Instead…it is important to be mentally active and aware of the many crises that we have witnessed in our country in recent years. We have had several school shootings. We have had several mall shootings and we have had numerous other shootings of innocent people in public places. Television seems to have popularized the term, “the shooter”. It is always followed by the now common question, “Was he acting alone?” It is a familiar story and we grow increasingly numb to it. We grow numb to the reports that forty people per day are being killed in Damascus and fifty thousand people have been killed in the small country of Syria within recent months! It is important to understand what can be understood and to teach it to our children. It is important to monitor our own reactions. It is important not to resort to numbness and disregard and it is important not to become anxious, paranoid, and panicked. It is important to understand shock and grief, and to experience it…but manage it knowingly. It is important to take rational action and to correct what we can. Such reasoning will help us sort out the important aspects of accountability and rational correction…and separate it from the misguidance that grief creates which can lead us to find blame and exact revenge. That would not be a healthy way to cope and adapt and it would not be helpful to our children to teach them that. It is recommended that each of us find someone trustworthy and rational to help us honor our human grief and to find rational and adaptive methods to move beyond such tragedies for which there are no easy answers.

When we react without sufficient awareness of our own thoughts and feelings (e.g., “mindfulness”), we often make mistakes that we regret later. When we grow numb, we might find ourselves acting out of character or feeling anxious without understanding why. It is important to take action to avoid the painful sense of helplessness. For example, “what level of safety and security is enough for your children…so that you feel comfortable that they will be absolutely safe from the dangers of the world?” The answer for most of us is, “There is NO such level of safety and NO guarantees!”

Some things we CAN do:

• Know your own thoughts and feelings and honor them and manage them

• Talk to your children, family members, and friends

• Help your children understand the complexities of life and how to manage uncertainties

• Vote for laws and community policies that make sense for you

• Examine the role of faith in your life…and the lives of your children

• Avoid superstitious and overly-suspicious thinking

• Don’t let mass media overly influence how you view these issues

• Talk to professionals who are more objective and who understand these issues and psychological processes that are not commonly understood by friends and family

Religion and Psychology are a part of the mosaic of life that is near to my heart. Fordecades I’ve had serious interest in understanding and studying ancient and modern religions and life ways. My interest likely began in early childhood. I was a child who constantly wanted to know “How and why did that happen?”. I was almost disinvited to catechism class because of my persistent inquiry about the length of a day in the Genesis creation story. When I was thirty-six and going through mid life crisis, I sought answers not through traditional religious channels, but, by personal investigation. “What is this? Who am I? Who are you? What are we doing here? What’s our purpose? Where are we going when we’re not here anymore?” are profound questions with which we all struggle. My way to struggle was to independently learn the belief systems and life ways that humans lived for the past two hundred thousand years. Looking back from here to that time in my life, it was probably the period when I came closest to feeling what the knights felt as they singularly set out to find the Holy Grail. I felt passion and great energy going into the forest alone in quest of the sacred. Moreover, I hold Religion and Psychology near to my heart largely because my mentor for more than forty years, was both a Licensed Psychologist and an Ordained Minister of The Church of Christ until he retired. I continue to learn from Bob the differences and similarities between religion and psychology and each day I use the knowledge I’ve learned from him. One important truth is that religion and psychology are complex bedfellows. Too often each one rejects the other unnecessarily.

There are few people who have walked our Earth who are “Of the Christ Spirit”. We may disagree as to who those individuals are. But, we will find agreement about the great gifts they give to us. The Buddha, Moses, Muhammad, Sister Teresa, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and Jesus Christ himself, were among those who in my opinion, were “Of the Christ Spirit”. Those few who deserve the title “Of the Christ Sprit”, deserve it because of the way they lived and what their lives modeled about the sacredness of human life and of all life. They walk their path and if we watch them on their path we can learn to crawl out of the swamp and get onto our own path that will lead us to living in right relationships based upon mutual respect and mutual responsibility, compassion and concern for ourselves and our fellow human beings. The essence of all religion is to teach us a better way to be in community and within ourselves.

Christian Religion provides reassurance that we can live after death. Christianity would have been only a footnote in history had it not been for the Resurrection. Christ’s Resurrection provides us faith to overcome fear that when we die there will be nothing. The resurrection validates afterlife and many become true believers in Christianity in order to learn how to get to Heaven. However, in the 21st Century, there’s debate whether the goal of Christianity is to learn how to get to Heaven or whether those Of the Christ Spirit teach each of us how to live the only life we really own now, here on Earth. The importance of focusing on our behavior and on living one’s life, day by day, in the moment and in accordance with values, ethics and morals may be more important than focusing on getting to Heaven and avoiding Hell. When the vessel we live in dies only the spirit of who we are lives on in the hearts and minds of those we touched. If there is an afterlife that one needs a ticket punched to enter, that ticket will ultimately be punched on the basis of whether we made life here on Earth a Heaven rather than a Hell. If there is no afterlife, then our worth will be determined by our spirit that lives on in the hearts and minds of the people we touched while we were here. Either way, afterlife or not, our worth is determined by whether or not we lived in a way that made Heaven on Earth or Hell on Earth.

That is where Religion and Psychology merge to become one. If there is Heaven and Hell, the path to each will be determined by the choices we make while we are here. Our religious morals and our psychological values or ethics are different paths to the same end. The question to struggle with is not which path is better or worse. The question to struggle with is “Does the path we take have a heart?”. Christ is quoted in the Bible as saying “The Temple of God is upon men and men do not see it”. This seeker translates that to mean “If you are looking for Heaven and trying to avoid Hell don’t look too far. You are the Temple in the here and now and you alone have the power and responsibility to choose if you will make your life Heaven or Hell”. The primary purpose of Counseling Psychology is to help us understand and define the boundaries of our behavior and show us how to use our power to recognize and learn choices we have that can make our life a Heaven instead of a Hell on Earth.

William James, the father of Psychology, in the 1800s, issued eight irrevocable truths about humans that defined for the first time, the domain of the psychological world. The most important truth on James’ list of truths was that human beings, more than anything, crave to feel appreciated by other human beings. Whether we are guided by religion or psychology, both help us understand that the goal of life is to make choices that make our lives on Earth worth it through learning and living in right relationships with our fellow human beings. Pilgrims of religion and pilgrims of psychology are on different paths to the same end. Whether one believes that we are here by accident or design, we are here, NOW, to make choices and to learn and practice mutual respect and mutual responsibility, compassion and concern for ourselves, each other and all things so that we might live in right, loving relationships rather than live in disorder and chaos during the brief time we spend here.

I will counsel with anyone who holds onto their religious beliefs as the basis of their identity, despite the fact that we might use a different tutorial or a different guidebook. The counselor is not required to be in perfect synchronization with the specific version of the Holy Book of the one who is counseled. The value of counseling does not require a perfect match of Christian truths. The counselor needs only to hold sacred, accept and respect the beliefs of the one who is counseled and honor where the two belief systems intersect on common ground.

As a psychotherapist, I am comfortable using the language of Christianity or other theologies. Christian Counseling is not about “brand”. Christian Counseling is about speaking a common language so that both counselor and counseled can understand each other.

• The Counselor uses Scriptures to make a point if the language of scriptures is how the counseled person can hear what is being said to them.

• The Counselor listens to the language of the Scriptures if the person counseled is using a code of communication that is in the language of the Scriptures.

• The counselor seeks to understand and apply the language of the person being counseled and the code language of different Theologies and Beliefs as well as the language of Psychology.

• If the counselor is successful in their effort to communicate through the language of the one being counseled, the connection and awareness between counselor and counseled results in healing and offers the possibility for learning and change.

Validation of these assertions is in Christ’s statement: “Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them”.

I’ve never feared that the roof would fall on me when I walk into the sanctuary of any religion. However, now that I’ve answered the question, “Am I a Christian Counselor?” in a more transparent way, some will accept me as a Christian Counselor while others will not. The ability to choose,”Free Will”, is a great gift that has been given to humans by the Creative Force, which the ancients named the “Awesome Something” and Christians today know as “God”.

2.) Be completely open and honest about what you want from a relationship – It’s no secret that dating involves the disclosure of feelings. As a result, the potential for vulnerability makes people reluctant to share precisely why they are in a particular relationship. The fact that people are reluctant to share their feelings, however, can be quite damaging. Bob may like Alice very much and Alice may like the attention Bob gives her but not prefer him as a romantic partner. In this case, the decision to continue a flirty, casual relationship may seem appropriate to both Alice and Bob but for very different reasons. Despite the fact that they get along so well, Bob may end up getting hurt when he finally learns that Alice does not see him the way Bob sees her. That’s why it is so important to be upfront with others about what kind of relationship you want to have with them. Yes, this makes you vulnerable but it also ensures you don’t spend countless hours crushing over someone that isn’t worth the time you could be spending looking for someone better.

3.) When someone is open and honest with you about what they want, be okay with it – Think about it. Forking over this private information, dredged up from the depths of someone’s soul, is a pretty big deal. Even if you’re offended by what you learn (for instance, if the truth is that they only wanted to have sex with you), that person has been open and honest enough with you to let you make a genuine decision. As long as you know what it is you want, you don’t have to worry about making the wrong choice here. You can flatly compare what you want with what they want and see what lines up.

4.) Be selective – Even in a world where divorce and dating are common, the truth is only a handful of relationships will ever be significantly meaningful to one person. These are the relationships that we spend most of our time seeking out and attempting to perfect. As a result, you can be reasonably assured that, no matter how many interesting people come along, only a few will ever “click” in that special way. Be respectful and considerate of everyone but focus your real energy and effort on finding and polishing these rare jewels.

5.) Don’t get lost – Relationships are about how two completely separate individuals choose to relate to one another. If there does not exist a reasonable amount of reciprocity between two individuals, then you don’t have much of a relationship. No matter how much you may like a guy or girl, wasting your time with someone who doesn’t value you the way you want to be valued doesn’t get you anywhere. Eventually, the relationship will end and the more time you spend not looking for a better match, the harder it will be to find one.

6.) Be realistic – Even though we all want to be treated like princes and princesses, very few of us are actually royalty and, even if we were, that wouldn’t entitle us to every whim our heart desires. That guy or girl who clicks with you is only human and, no matter how perfect you may want things to be, no one you ever meet will be perfect. The best you can hope for is someone who listens and tries their best to respond to your needs. Never expect your needs to be completely fulfilled.

7.) Be in it for the long haul – Everyone is willing to fight for the things they value. If you are not prepared to fight for your relationship, that should tell you something about your attitude toward it. Giving up is easy. Making things work is hard. In our culture today, people expect to be able to order from a menu precisely what they wish and have it brought to them. Relationships are not like this. People grow, change, evolve, and develop; we never stay the same. The trick in a relationship is to coordinate each other’s growth through constant communication. This takes an enormous amount of work and effort. The end result, however, is having a partner who knows and understands you deeply and intimately, who respects and appreciates you, and who works to help you see the love and devotion that they have for you. No amount of “click” can develop this. It is something that must be worked at and earned every day.

- “Tyler”

… Says someone who isn’t famous yet, but could be someday! Any guesses?

They say brain and brawn don’t function together. Sheer BS!!! If you have even an ounce of vanity (and most of us do), taking care of your physical self WILL reinvigorate your brain. Our mental, emotional and physical self are not independent of each other. Thanks to Dr. Meers, once I lost my emotional baggage, my efforts to regain control of my body started showing signs of success. After eleven years of yo-yoing between being skinny-fat and overweight, I am finally seeing a fitter and firmer me. My rear is capturing attention for the right reasons. It’s nice to be able to leave the jiggly-wiggly Jell-O® bottoms to Santa Claus!

Getting a nice rear came with the additional benefit of increased energy and motivation in other aspects of life, such as work and family. Of course, it wasn’t the talking itself that helped me drop 26 pounds in three months. Getting rid of the emotional baggage helped me focus. It made it easy for the little girl living in my subconscious to not hide behind a curtain of fat or seek comfort with food. I gained incredible determination to get healthier from the single, simple act of seeking help.

Along my journey, like Hansel and Gretel in the evil dark forest, I left myself crumbs of wisdom. If I were ever to get lost in the jungle of adipose again (I shudder at the thought), I wanted to be able to find my way back. Here are some nuggets:

If you are struggling to lose weight, you might consider shedding the emotional baggage. Sometimes we don’t realize how much of it we are carrying around until we share. It could be anything from a felony assault to a one-time school playground bullying incident in kindergarten; each of us reacts differently to trauma. One thing is for sure, though, traumatic experiences leave us stressed, sometimes for a lifetime. Stress ain’t a fat girl’s friend, darling!

Tackle your angels and demons: Along your weight loss journey you will meet people who will either help your efforts or derail them. They will be your family, co-workers, friends, neighbors and the nosy stranger in aisle five. I had the misfortune of experiencing that only one percent of the people around me were 100% supportive of my efforts. Some were well-meaning but clueless. They offered love with a healthy dose of worthless advice. Some were skeptical to begin with because they had seen me try new fads and fail a billion times. There were those who were jealous and those who were openly resentful. Then there were a few awestruck fans of my new found zeal; they soon started grating on my nerves with their barrage of pointless questions and lazy attitude. Along the way, I learned techniques to deal with each specimen without stressing myself out. (Stress, aka Cortisol, is not a fat girl’s friend, remember?)

1.  The Chocolate Brownie, aka the loving well-wisher: They are the ones that use soothing language such as, “Your inner beauty is far more important than what’s on the outside” or my personal favorite, “but you ARE beautiful” (this one said empathetically to a 250LB morbidly obese woman). In my opinion, these people are the Devil in disguise. (Think of Al Pacino in “The Devil’s Advocate”…UMMMM, sexy? YES! Good for you? No!) They are the chocolate brownie wrapped in pretty pink cellophane and a red ribbon. Why, you may ask, am I being so harsh on your mother, BFF, or kindly Mrs. Howard next door? After all, they are only being nice whereas the rest of world treats you like crap because you can’t see your own toes.

They are frenemies because out of their love and concern they mask you from seeing reality. Losing weight is NOT about beauty. Becoming beautiful is only a by-product of the weight loss process. The real gain is overall health. An overweight person is more likely to suffer from diabetes, heart attack, and even cancer in comparison to a healthy person. You should lose weight to become a healthier you.

If you do want to drink the beauty Kool-Aid®, however, think about it this way. Yes, you are a beautiful person inside. Why not strive to bring that beauty to the outside as well? There are far too many beautiful, bitchy women in this world. We need someone as beautiful on the inside as you, to join the ranks of those who are beautiful on the outside. The fat girls of the world need you to transform yourself, so we could have an empathetic buddy in the hoards of unsympathetic nymphets.

Coming back to the point of dealing with these angels, how do you deal with the chocolate brownies in your life? I would love to gobble mine up but I remind them just as lovingly that I am losing weight to become healthier. We all know that I am so beautiful on the inside I don’t need to be a size two to give Megan Fox a run for her money (rolling my eyes at my incorrigible over-confidence). As the mother of two daughters it is important for me to teach my kids the value of a healthy lifestyle. THAT is why I choose to be fit.

2.  The skeptical well-wisher: They are easy to convert. They only had to see me getting out of bed at 4:30 a.m. every morning to drag myself to the gym day after day and resolutely turning down Jeni’s® incredible Goat Cheese and Cognac Fig ice cream, to become my strongest support system. You will convert them through sheer determination.

3.  The awestruck fan: They want to be you but they are hoping you are popping some miracle pills that come in a pretty pink bottle. Stop giving them more information than is absolutely necessary. You will waste a lot of horsepower talking. Save the energy for your next gym session.

4.  The jealous BFF: How do you deal with people in your life who should care about you but instead are openly jealous? Some level of jealousy is common (we are humans!). Respond to it by not fawning over too much about your accomplishments in their presence. It’s like if you win the jackpot, would you advertise it to the world before you secure the windfall? It’s the same case with weight loss. Let your results speak for themselves. You can’t control how they will be green eyed over your changing statistics. However, do you really have to add to their misery verbally? This is another type that should get minimal information about your routine, because trust you me, they WILL try to sabotage your efforts. After all, they are losing a fat buddy and they don’t know what the new you might be like. They are insecure.

5.  The openly resentful: If the jealousy becomes so vitriolic that it starts burning you out, cut them off. Surround yourself with a positive presence. I am not one for cutting off relationships. Everyone is idiosyncratic at some level. If we start cutting people out of our lives, we will be left out alone. However, when the only thing you get out of a relationship is venom, it is better to distance yourself from that person.

The Enemy within: Here’s a puzzle for you. The 400LB behemoth kept complaining about weight loss not being easy. Then he yelled at the server who was trying to clear away the appetizer plates. Godzilla could not let go of the last drop of melted cheese. Who is to the blame for the 30LB gain in two months? Is it the server, the cheese, or Godzilla?

The choice is always yours. Take the power back. Don’t accept that chocolate brownie because you feel you must. People who truly love you, will understand when you say NO to a second helping of caramel custard pudding (don’t tell me you had any at all).

I will leave you for now with this thought: There is nothing in this world worth sabotaging your health over. Not even a scrumptious seven-layered rich chocolate cake. Because, when you have that heart attack, that cake will not be the one thing on your mind (hopefully). Weight loss is all about you. You…taking control of your life.

-Anonymous

Flirting with someone else in front of a marriage partner clearly sends a signal to the partner that they are not respected or valued. The intimacy shared between two marriage partners is violated by introducing a third party into the equation. Flirting is not harmless. It absolutely can harm the spouse who feels left out, disrespected and disconnected because this intimate act by their partner is shared with someone else.

What motivates people to flirt outside of the marriage? Individuals who are seeking approval and validation may be found engaging in this behavior. They may suffer from poor self-esteem, and/ or they may not be receiving any positive feedback from their partner. An individual with low self-esteem will sometimes flirt with others in the presence of their partner in an effort to bolster their own ego and make themselves feel more desirable. Sometimes people flirt out of anger at their partner. They feel undesirable to their spouse and want to demonstrate that others find them attractive. Of course, this behavior further alienates their partner from demonstrating any approval, and a vicious cycle may be created where the flirting and alienation continue over and over.

Flirting behavior is designed to send a signal that “I like you, I am attracted to you, I want you to notice me, I want to be with you”. Some individuals have been described as generally “flirtatious” people. If you are one of these flirtatious people, it is important that you manage this behavior in a way that does not demean or threaten your partner. If your partner is flirtatious, share with him or her your feelings about this behavior, and its impact upon you. Managing this as a team will increase the intimacy and build more trust and connection between you and your partner. If you would like to understand more about this and other issues involving couples’ communication, read other articles on this site or contact the therapists at Meers, Inc. for more information.

Transitions during this time may include:

• ·         Choosing the next step
• ·         Leaving home for first time
• ·         Living at home and still having rules as an “adult”    
• ·         Budgeting money
• ·         Working more hours or while in school
• ·         Building deeper relationships
• ·         Further exposure to drugs and alcohol
• ·         Increased freedom
• ·         Leaving friends/family behind
• ·         Exposure to different cultures/worldviews
• ·         Further sexual exploration and orientation formation

It can be scary to navigate through these transitions and some can be downright anxiety provoking!  Some individuals are supported through these moments in life and others find themselves feeling ill-prepared.  It is important to remember that although changes can be overwhelming, they can also lead to positive changes and insights about yourself. 

Many individuals aged 18-25 expect to “know who they are” and can feel panicked when they find they are unsure of their own identity (or what that even means!).  Individuals can feel lost and be unsure of which choices to make and even what creates happiness for them.  As children, we listen to our parents, as adolescents, we listen to our friends, and as young adults, we need to learn to listen to ourselves.  It can be difficult to explore identity when parents place their own expectations and pressure upon you and our friends may not always have the right answers.

Identity is a fluid, ever evolving concept and as a young adult, this may be your first opportunity to approach the world independently, thus leading to identity exploration.  This process does not have a finite end and it can be helpful to understand that through the process of “finding ourselves,” we can always change our paths. 

Therapy can be a helpful tool in coping with these numerous life transitions, as well as furthering your understanding of who you are and how to find purpose within your life. 

How to avoid unnecessary disappointment

While disappointment is a common emotion, it is a reaction that can feel out of our control. It is often easier to concentrate on obtaining control over your thoughts and expectations than to attempt to resist disappointment. Exploring your expectations for another person, or for a situation, can help you to understand the origin of your disappointment and subsequently feel more in control of your emotions. Specific communication is imperative when trying to avoid unnecessary disappointment. Often, having someone repeat what you are saying back to you during a conversation can limit miscommunication and therefore erroneous expectations. Being direct with your requests and expectations can also help to limit misunderstandings and future disappointment.

Being aware of your own expectations is also a very important part of managing disappointment. Disappointment can sometimes act as a clue that your expectations are not realistic, especially if you find yourself repeatedly becoming disappointed by the same person or situation. If several people have been disloyal to you and you often find yourself feeling let down, perhaps you are expecting too much of others. It may make sense to test some lower standards and explore whether it negatively compromises your values or if it actually helps you to feel better and more connected to others.

How to deal with disappointment

Attempting to limit your disappointment is useful; however, it is not always possible. When you are faced with disappointment resist the urge to avoid thinking about the hurt and instead investigate the source of your feelings. These feelings may help you to know yourself better and to avoid future distress. Disappointment may show that you care about a person or situation more than you realized which can be a clue into the best future action. For example, if you are not accepted for a job position and you are more disappointed than you expected, then attempt to identify what is so upsetting. Examine what you were most excited about, for example: an increase in flexibility, the opportunity to hold more responsibility or a chance to use more creativity. Knowing what you are missing will help you to narrow your focus and regain what was lost more quickly, while also providing a sense of control to help ease the initial dissatisfaction.

Exploration of your disappointment may uncover that your frustration is repeatedly originating from the same person or the same circumstance. In this case, you may have to make the decision to accept the person or circumstance and to modify your own thoughts and expectations. When modifying your own feelings is too difficult, or does not fit with your morals, you may need to distance yourself from the offending person or situation.

How to be objective while managing disappointment

It can be difficult to explore your own disappointment. When we are upset it is easier to give ourselves either too little or too much blame. Seek out other opinions to help determine if your disappointment is founded. Those you trust can help you to evaluate your own expectations, separate yourself from disappointment instigating people and situations and to determine if it is time to modify your goals. If you would like the assistance of a therapist to gain a completely objective perspective, please call.

“You could have a little taste – just a bit”, chirped the glowing pregnant one…. “Everything in moderation, right?”  She looked at me with big puppy dog eyes, mutely urging me to pick up that fork.

“Moderation works for those who are already at their goal and in maintenance mode.  I still have a long way to go to get to that point.”

BAM!  Just like that, I have reclaimed the power that was always mine.

The above incident actually happened (verbatim) at a neighbor’s party this weekend.

Losing weight is a struggle.  It is not the heart pumping cardio of the muscle ripping strength training that makes it hard.  It is not even the Adonis, who comes to the gym with his pretty girlfriend swinging on his arm.  What makes losing weight really hard is all your frenemies – they are like the damn Chocolate Brownie.  OH their company is like heaven!!!  You draw out each bite.  You hate to part with that last tasty morsel.  The next day you step on the scale and it slaps you in the face (or on your fat rear – pick whichever hurts the most).

The frenemies, they throw tantalizing words at you, like “Moderation”.  They forget to acknowledge that moderation is the key when you are in maintenance.  But when you are trying to lose weight, the key is abstinence.  A lick can turn into a bite and a bite into a pound for someone who has oodles to lose.  There are other nuggets of wisdom that the blubber-free folks like to use.  My favorite one is, “You must reward yourself once in a while”.  Never mind that the reward need not be food.  I do reward myself.  Just last week I rewarded myself by splurging on new gym pants – one whole size smaller.

When people try to entice a dieter to take that one bite, they are most likely thinking they are doing the chubby one a favor by helping the fatso relax, loosen up and have some fun.  Sometimes though, I can’t shake the feeling that the insistence is born out of more than just concern over my dietary austerity.  It is a power struggle.  Previously, whenever I would give in to temptation, I could clearly see the shadow of a smirk pass their lips.  As unbelievable as it sounds, people HAVE smirked in my face – that includes my family.

An earlier version of me would have given in to the frenemies at the neighbor’s party and picked up the fork.  She would have taken that first sinful bite and then another and another until the Brownie brick was history.  She would have done it because she wanted to be polite AND because she was already having a hard time turning off the drool switch on the chocolate decadence tempting her to break the fat loss covenant.  Now though, my inner bitch is in control and she does not balk from saying, “EFF YOU”.  She bats her eyelids and smiles a sweet smile but make no mistake, she WILL flip you the ‘ol bird if you try to sway her from her path.

It is a fact that fat people who are trying to abstain are treated like drama queens, even by other fat people.  Is it really that hard to be supportive and empathetic?  Is it a fat bullying fat world?  I believe there is a hint of evil in all of us that rejoices at another person’s failures.  I can’t change the way others think so I let my sore legs remind me of how long it would take to burn the 500 calorie Brownie.  My ripped hamstrings DO NOT want to go there.  Burning hamstrings vs. drooling tongue; hamstring wins.  It doesn’t hurt either, that there is some new found respect in my husband’s eyes.  It was a huge turn on when I found him bragging about my disciplined routine to Mrs. Melonbelly from next door.

-Anonymous

First of all, if you are bemoaning the fact that you can’t sleep, stop feeling sorry for yourself now. Embrace the notion that not sleeping may be viewed as an opportunity. Rejoice in the luxury of having hours available to use your brain to create pleasant, satisfying experiences.  Not sleeping gives you the opportunity to relish any accomplishments you have experienced; to think as much and as long as you wish about topics that you typically don’t have the time to explore; to fantasize about a wonderful vacation, or create a fabulous encounter with a person you admire; or simply take a mental vacation from all things mundane and/or stressful. The world is yours to explore and experience as you have always wished, without any interruptions.  What a wonderful gift you have been given – time just for you, to use your brain as you wish.

This probably sounds heretical to most folks who insist that lack of sleep will cause a myriad of health problems, as well as contributes to obesity and poor decision-making skills.  But, obsessing and ruminating over not sleeping will do far more harm to you than making the most of the situation.  It is amazing how much effort it takes to keep ourselves from the very thing we want the most.  The very act of falling asleep indicates that sleep descends upon us. Our only task is to create an atmosphere that is conducive for this to happen. If sleep does happen, it is simply an added bonus to the relaxation we have been able to experience.  The following list includes practical strategies we can implement to allow sleep to occur.

 1.) Have a designated time to get to bed and to awaken.  Do not sleep at any other time.  This routine will help us to associate those specific times for sleeping and allow our brain and body to prepare for this. Do not spend time in bed eating or watching programs that stimulate you.  Attempt to use bed as a location for sleeping or sex.

 2.) Do not eat or drink too much volume before bed time. We don’t want to feel too full or have to be concerned with needing to use the restroom as we try to relax and sleep.

 3.) Engage in activities before bedtime that are soothing and encourage positive feelings and relaxation. For example, relaxing in a warm bath, drinking a warm cup of tea or milk, listening to soft music are common ways to promote sleeping.  Do not do vigorous exercise or watch an action packed movie on television, as these activities are not conducive to relaxing.

  4.) Masturbate or participate in sexual activity with a partner to aid the release of positive pheromones and encourage relaxation conducive to falling asleep.

 5.) Create an appealing dark and cool environment that is peaceful and restful for sleeping.  Make your bed as visually appealing as possible.  For example, soft pillows, soft blankets or comforters beckon to us to get comfortable and relax.

6.) Wear suitable clothing or no clothing as it is important to feel completely comfortable for the best likelihood that sleep will occur.

7.) Practice meditation or focus on a mental image that is designed to produce positive feelings and/or relaxation.  For example, picturing the ocean waves rolling up on a sandy white beach often is a positive and restful image for those of us trying to fall asleep.

8.) Take only your “positive” thoughts to bed with you.  Leave your worries and frustrations outside the bedroom.  If necessary, write your worries on a sheet of paper and dispose of it in a trash can outside of your bedroom.

9.) Play a relaxation tape that is appealing to you; or make one with your own voice giving you instructions on relaxing various parts of your body.

10.) Breathe in and out slowly, and count your breaths as you do this.

Can’t sleep? First and most importantly, relax.  If the above strategies don’t work for you, please consult a physician, sleep expert, or psychologist who is trained to assist you to discover solutions designed specifically for you.

What is self-injury?

Self-injury is when people deliberately harm themselves and damage bodily tissue.  Self-injury takes many forms, most common forms of self-injury include: cutting, burning, carving into the skin, interfering with wound healing, hitting oneself, insertion of objects under the skin, and intentional bone breaking.  Additionally, self-injury is culturally sanctioned, as self-injury only refers to behaviors that are not socially acceptable within the individual’s environment.  That is, many new forms of body art (i.e. extensive tattooing, body modification, piercing, etc.) are NOT currently considered to be self-injurious due to their cultural acceptance.

Why do people hurt themselves?

People engage in self-injurious behaviors for various reasons.  Some people physically harm themselves to make emotional pain go away.  Stress can be a trigger to self-injury, as some people may feel overwhelmed or unable to cope with the stress.  When many stressful events build up, the individual may engage in self-injury in an attempt to relieve the stress and negative feelings that may go along with it.  Self-injury may help the individual to feel in control of their lives momentarily.

Additionally, some people may self-harm as a way of feeling something.  Often times, these individuals feel “numb,”  disconnected from their lives, or alone.  Self-injury reminds the individual that they are alive and real.

Furthermore, individuals may self-injure as a way to communicate, as a response to negative body image, and as a way to connect with others Individuals can use self-injury to show others how much pain they are experiencing when they are unable to communicate verbally.  Self-injury may even take form as words carved into an individual’s body.  In terms of body image, some will become so disgusted with their own bodies, that they physically take their feelings out on their body.  Loss of respect of one’s own body can lead to self-injurious behaviors.  Finally, individuals can sometimes feel as though they are connecting with others through the use of self-injury when their peers also engage in these behaviors.

Are people that hurt themselves trying to commit suicide?

Most often, people who self-injure are NOT trying to commit suicide.  Although individuals who attempt suicide have commonly self-injured in the past, engaging in self-injurious behaviors is not a suicidal behavior.  Self-injury is usually an attempt to stay alive, while reducing pain.  However, if you suspect your child is suicidal, please call 911 or take your child to the nearest emergency department.  If you are worried about your child, it can be helpful to consult with a mental health professional to help you make an informed decision on any what (if any) actions to take.

What do you do if you think your child self-injures?

If you suspect that your child is self-injuring, it is important to remain calm and to avoid reacting in a judgmental and blaming manner.  Understandably this can be a scary and frustrating experience for you as a parent who seeks to protect your child and keep him/her safe.  Though, be careful not to express anger or disappointment in your child, as this may exacerbate the problem.  Although you may want to understand your child and their motivation to self-harm, they might not be able to fully explain why they do what they do or how they feel.  Try not to force your child into talking about their feelings/self-injury.

It is okay to communicate to your child that you care about them and are willing to listen if they need to talk.  When talking with your child, it is also okay to let them know when you are having trouble understanding them.  Be patient with your child.  Concentrate on connecting with your child in positive ways, engage in a meaningful task together, inquire about your child’s interests, and help them to practice healthy coping skills.  Encourage your child to speak with a mental health professional who has training in helping those who self-injure.  Parents have a huge influence on their children, though often times, parents needs additional resources when a child self-injures.  It may also help if the parent seeks counseling to help them deal with the emotions elicited by their children and to learn new ways of interacting with the children at home.

Sasha Ribic, Psy.D.

Of course, the first line of responsibility for this alarming increase in kids being treated in psychiatric hospitals must rest with the parents. Is there any particular behavior or pattern of behaviors that is or is not happening in the home that is resulting in more complex and difficult behavior problems among children? The best weapon any parent has in his or her arsenal is communication. Communicating in an open, direct, transparent fashion with your child is the optimal way to create trust and safety in your child.  No matter what obstacles the child faces, she will feel safe enough to come to you for assistance if she views you as a support.  As you think about your own relationship with your children, ask yourself these questions, and be prepared to answer honestly.

+ Do I know what is important to my child at any given moment?

+ Do I actively listen to my child so that they know I am really hearing what he is telling me?

+ Do I spend quality time with my child doing what she likes to do as opposed to including them in my routines?

+ Do I say “no” and set firm limits for my child when appropriate?

+ Do I take the time to teach my child how to do a task, rather than do it for him?

+ Do I allow my child to struggle with difficult assignments, and teach her how to persevere when a task is difficult?

+ Do I reward positive behavior choices in my child, and provide alternatives for him to learn from his negative behavior?

+ Do I notice when my child is hurting (even if she denies any problem) and take appropriate action to protect her?

+Do I work to improve my own parenting skills by reading parenting books and attending seminars designed to increase positive parenting behaviors, discussing parenting issues with other parents, and if necessary, seeking the counsel of professionals who specialize in children’s behaviors and parenting issues?

Being a good parent is a work in progress.  To parent any child effectively, you must be willing to maintain on-going communication and interaction with your child, and to seek help and counsel when appropriate.  It’s a tough job, but when done well, there is no nobler calling in life.

Where does one’s body image come from?

Our body image is comprised of messages from our family, friends, culture, the media and our own values of “standard”  attractiveness.  Advertisements and the media bombard us with photo-shopped and unrealistic expectations of how our bodies, hair and skin should look.  Even parents, siblings and friends can influence our opinions about body standards by modeling behaviors, teasing or even by complimenting weight changes.  As we internalize these influences our body image becomes defined.  We tend to notice more data that supports our viewpoints than counter them, therefore, continuing to solidify our body image over time.

Why is having a healthy body image important?

Our body image affects how we view ourselves as a person; it influences our thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  Self-esteem is influenced by our body image.  For example, if you do not like the way you look you may feel self-conscious or inferior compared to others.  These unpleasant feelings can influence behaviors; perhaps, you attempt to avoid meeting new people for fear they may notice the flaws you believe that you possess.  Being unhappy with one’s weight, or feeling unattractive, has been linked to heavier drug and alcohol use in adolescents, relationship trouble among peers and the increased possibility for symptoms of depression and anxiety.  Body image can also affect one’s relationship with food, potentially creating disordered eating habits, including: excessive dieting or exercising, and purging or restricting food.  Feeling comfortable with your body (or, even proud!) can inspire confidence, a positive view of yourself and the desire to treat yourself well.

How do I recognize a negative body image?

There are ways to identify when a person has a negative body image; whether it is you, a friend or a family member.  Symptoms of anxiety or depression may be present when one’s self-perception does not meet personal standards or expectations.  Often, a person with a negative body image will seek acceptance from their peers to excess, relying on other’s opinions more than their own or needing constant reassurance.  Excessive exercise, restricting food or other unhealthy eating habits are also signs that a person may need assistance in creating a healthier, more realistic body image.  Having unrealistic standards, such as maintaining a low body weight or needing to constantly look perfect, can illustrate a negative body image.  

Can I create a healthier body image?

Yes!  Conducting a body image makeover can take a lot of work and practice; however, the effort is worth the increase in confidence and happiness.  Possessing a positive body image does not need to replace the desire to have a healthy body or to make positive lifestyle changes.  Embracing a positive body image is the process of learning to value your body and being able to see its current positive qualities.  Begin by taking an inventory of what you like and dislike about your body.  Explore where these ideas came from and how they are affecting your life now.  Notice how you feel when you are thinking about the aspects of your body that you do not like. What are the thoughts associated with these feelings?  How do these thoughts and feelings influence your behavior?

For example, Samantha thinks that her thighs are huge.  She believes that a good-looking body is in proportion and that her thighs are too large for the rest of her body.  When she thinks about her thighs she feels hopeless and upset and knows that no one will want to date her because she is unattractive.  Therefore, Samantha attempts to avoid parties where there is a chance of making a romantic connection for fear of being judged and rejected.  Steven believes that being muscular is the only way that others will find him attractive and trust him as a teammate.  He feels ugly and guilty if he misses a workout so he spends extra time after practice and on weekends at the gym.  Steven allows his fitness regimen to interfere with family events and he misses numerous social opportunities by choosing to workout instead.  Both Samantha and Steven are allowing their body image to negatively affect their thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

Take time to explore your feelings about your appearance and to interpret these feelings.  Challenge the thoughts that are contributing to a negative body image, notice thoughts that are distorted or unrealistic (for example: you have to look like a model to be considered attractive).  Finally, change any behaviors that are in reaction to a negative body image and begin acting as if you already have the positive body image and confidence you are working towards.

For more information on body image or support in creating a healthier body image, please call.

It can be extremely frustrating when a breakup is difficult to manage – even when we know the relationship is not right for one, or both, of the parties involved.  Losing a relationship can evoke multitudes of uncomfortable emotions.  One may feel embarrassed or hurt and wonder if he/she is not “good enough”, while simultaneously missing the person who is instigating the uncomfortable feelings.  Another, sometimes overlooked, reason that breakups hurt so much is that as the relationship dissolves – our own sense of self can dissolve along with it.

When relationships gain momentum we tend to share more of our lives with the other person: friends, hobbies, clubs – perhaps, even a home.  Our own self-concept becomes intertwined with our partner and the relationship in which we are engaged.  It is a wonderful process when you are building closeness and trust with someone, it can also make your feelings at the end of the relationship even more confusing and painful.  A 2010 research study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin finds that breakups cause a change in our self-concept, which can elicit a lack of clarity in our knowledge of ourselves.  Furthermore, when we do not have a clear concept of ourselves, such as in the aftermath of a breakup, it leads to further emotional grief.

Reassessing ourselves after a breakup is a major component to finding closure and becoming healthy again for the next relationship while developing an even stronger and renewed sense of self.  To begin the process of exiting one relationship and rebuilding your relationship with yourself, here are several tips.

Concentrate on yourself.  Sever all ties with your ex – as much as you do not want to or think that it is not necessary.  Block all electronic reminders – your ex’s number in your phone, if they are a Facebook friend or follow you on twitter, email accounts, etc.  Also, clear out any other reminders around you: pictures, ticket stubs, gifts, etc.  Simply putting these things away for a while will help ease the pain of a new breakup, the cliché “out of sight, out of mind” does have merit!

Strive for acceptance of the breakup.  Mourning the loss of a relationship is often necessary and “moping” around a bit is okay!  Remembering why the relationship did not work out and the negative aspects of your ex can help bring closure.  Express your feelings through art, writing, dancing, singing, whatever you enjoy that helps sort and soothe your emotions.  Just be sure to use this time to gain acceptance that the relationship has ended so that your mourning period can be brief and allow you to move on to reestablishing your individual sense of self.

Focus on your future.  A tough breakup can also be an opportunity to reassess where you are in your life and where you want to go.  Analyzing your self-concept as an individual instead of a couple can be the fresh start to revitalizing your expectations for yourself.  Explore your priorities and determine if any have slipped while you were in a relationship.  Perhaps you have not spent as much time with friends, exercising, participating in volunteer work or doing hobbies as you would like.  Now is the time to take note of what is important to you and to DO these things you have been missing!

Utilize support from others.  During a difficult breakup and after, surround yourself with friends and family who are on your side and will support you during this difficult time.  Being with others can help you to realize that you are not alone and that you are valued by people besides your ex.  Enlist others’ help to gain acceptance of your new single status as well as to assist you in gaining clarity and creating a positive new beginning.  If you would like professional assistance in coping with a breakup, reevaluating and defining your self-concept, please call.

Why is listening important?  We need someone to listen because it is a legitimate human need and a form of “being validated” as a person.  Listening and being listened to, is an essential method of human connection.  It helps us hear and evaluate our own thoughts and feelings…as we “bounce them off” of another skillful and compassionate listener who has no apparent agenda of their own.  This process is not only helpful for achieving emotional and social needs, but it facilitates good decision-making. How often have you tried to have someone listen to your rationale about how to approach a challenge or to make a decision…only to have them interrupt you…and have you regret that you involved them at all?  It is common that individuals report in a consultation session that they presented a dilemma or concern to their spouse or friend…only to realize subsequently, that they now have two problems.  The first is the original concern and the second is that they regret involving a friend who now must be managed too!

At Meers, Inc. Consulting Psychologists, we realize how important it is to be a compassionate, skillful, objective, and professional listener.  Sure, we have lots of ideas and solutions and examples of how others view the world and solve problems.  However, we realize first that it is your turn to have someone Listen to You.  For more than twenty-five years, the consulting psychologists and staff at Meers, Inc. have listened to individuals, couples, and families in the Central Ohio area.  While we are professional health service providers, who strive to facilitate good general and psychological health, but primarily we meet with our clients to facilitate “optimal” levels of life performance and satisfaction.  It starts with “a good listening to!”

“Jerry” Meers

(D. Jerome Meers, Ph.D.)

When you step up to a challenge, how do you feel?  Where does your mind go when you know that the following minutes are important; that they may change your life?  Are you ready?

Whether we have chosen our challenge or not, it pays to be mentally prepared for the task at hand.  There are numerous reactions people have when faced with a trial.  Some feel nervous, apprehensive or a sense of impending doom- while others feel motivated, energized and excited.  When something important is on the line, it is sometimes easier to daze out completely and pretend it does not matter.  Developing an attitude of not caring can protect us from the disappointment and frustration associated with not doing as well as we would like; however, it may also inhibit us from success. 

If you have time to prepare for a challenge, such as an exam or a race, use that time to your advantage.  Set your goal and then the pace you need to complete your goal before the challenge.  Using the word “pace” may help to focus your process. 

                                                                  P – Practice

                                                                  A – Associate

                                                                  C – Confidence

                                                                  E – Execute 

Practice repeatedly in as close to real circumstances as you can – whether it is learning vocabulary words at a desk in school or setting your pace for a race on the actual course.  Visualize yourself obtaining your goal – an A, first place, etc. and the steps you took to get there.  Ensuring that your mind is ready for the challenge is as important as preparing your body.  Study what you need to learn; a good tactic is to review the information numerous ways, for example reading information, discussing it – or, creating clever mnemonic devices, such as the word “pace”. 

Associate with people like parents, teachers, friends and coaches who will support you through the upcoming challenges.  Having people around to encourage and sometimes push you may help you achieve more than you thought possible. 

Confidence occurs when you have faith in your preparation and belief in your ability to successfully accomplish your goal.  Expecting a positive outcome and knowing that you are capable of achieving it offers more certainty and conviction towards the challenge.

Execute all you have practiced when it is finally GO TIME.  Adapt to new circumstances if the situation does not proceed exactly as planned.  Expect the results that you have been preparing to achieve. 

Even with excellent preparation, our bodies and minds can still need some extra help when stepping up to a challenge.  When it’s GO TIME try to balance your feelings between being too energized or too apprehensive for optimum results.  Use relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, to help calm you.  Engage in rituals like listening to upbeat music or remembering past victories, which will motivate you to succeed.  If you are struggling to care about the situation imagine the potential rewards and focus on the desired outcome – whether it is pride, a scholarship, or proving someone wrong!  Lean on the supports you have, especially if you are feeling overwhelmed or if the situation is out of your control. 

In conclusion: “play to win instead of not to lose.”  In place of the relief from not losing you will be able to gain the satisfaction of accomplishment created by winning, or experiencing the pride of doing your best.  To achieve success it is helpful to use any available time before a challenge to “pace” yourself.  Trust yourself and give the challenge your full effort.  Please call if you would like assistance in exploring your unique challenges and the best methods to use for preparation and successful execution.

Like Charlotte, many children have worries. They worry about getting good grades, about conflicts that are happening at home, about making friends or even about getting sick in front of others. Some children have fears about real dangers in their lives, such as a fear of being a victim of a natural disaster or of being kidnapped by a stranger. Most of the time, these worries can be managed through the support of parents and other adults; however, some children’s worries, such as those described by Charlotte’s parents, may take on a life of their own.

When children’s worries become intense and uncontrollable, they can turn into Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Children with GAD often have chronic symptoms of anxiety and worrisome thoughts that last for at least six months. Similar to Charlotte’s experiences, children with GAD may struggle with feeling “on edge”. They may have difficulty concentrating and sometimes experience headaches, stomach aches and dizziness. Parents also notice that their children may frequently seek reassurance and validation in effort to ease their worrying thoughts.

It is very easy for children with GAD to “trick” their brains into reactionary patterns of thinking. Sometimes their perceptions of situations and experiences may become clouded and therefore they may develop unrealistic expectations, experience negative emotions and/or catastrophize by assuming worst-case scenarios. For example, in Charlotte’s case, her brain may trick her into thinking that if she says or does the wrong thing in front of her friends, she may lose all of her friendships. Other children may believe that if they fail to do all that they can to make their parents happy, their parents may get a divorce.

Fortunately, through several therapeutic approaches, including Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Children, children can learn ways to rewire their brains so they worry less and feel more confident. Most importantly, they can work to change their belief system by using facts within their environment to investigate underlying worries. By gaining more information and recognizing how their “old” beliefs may negatively influence their experiences, they can then make “new” choices that will eventually guide their thoughts, feelings and actions down a more positive path.

There are many great techniques that children can learn to manage their GAD more effectively. Some children find it useful to create a funny nickname to label their worry, such as “Mrs. Worry Wart” or “Worry Head.” This allows them to describe their worry in a more relatable way to parents or other adults. Other children may use “Power Talk” in effort to tell their worries to “Go away” or “Don’t bother me anymore”. Many children engage in “Worry Time” to get all of their thoughts and concerns out into the open. They may do this through journaling or by having a conversation with a close relative or friend. Once worry time is complete, they can then imagine entering into a “Worry Free Zone” so they do not have to dwell on their anxious thoughts or feelings for some time. Children also enjoy utilizing certain relaxation and mindfulness exercises to help them calm their minds. By breathing happy thoughts, they can learn to feel more calm by bringing in positive thoughts with each inhale and letting go of negative thoughts with each exhale. Some children even enjoy being mindful by taking nature walks or by doing yoga poses.

If you think your child is suffering with symptoms related to GAD, and you do not know what to do next, then it may be helpful to seek out consultation from a professional. Through ongoing support and guidance, you and your child can find ways to grow and be successful, rather than feel hindered by “Mrs. Worry Wart” all the time!

Cognitions (thoughts) play a critical role in performance anxiety.  It is common for some to blame the situation for their emotional distress. In fact, quite the opposite is true.  Individuals who experience performance anxiety engage in thinking which creates and sustains their anxiety.  Since what we think about a situation ultimately leads to how we feel and behave, it is important to understand how thinking or thinking patterns lead to performance anxiety.  The following are three types of self-defeating cognitive patterns (thoughts) which contribute to performance anxiety.

The first cognitive pattern that may lead to performance anxiety is “off-task thinking”.  For example, while attempting to have sex with his partner, a man finds himself thinking about his partner’s previous relationship, or his mind wanders to thinking about an issue that happened earlier in the day at his job.  This type of thinking will distract him from focusing on enjoying and sexualizing the moment, which may interfere with his sexual performance; and subsequently this may result in him feeling anxious about his ability to perform.  Since performance anxiety usually only requires one experience to make itself felt, this man could possibly have started a cycle of self-doubt regarding his sexual performance.  This might result in him feeling anxious about his ability to perform sexually with his partner the next time they are together, and build into generalized anxiety about his sexual performance.

The second cognitive pattern that may create performance anxiety is negative thinking. In the example used previously, this same man might begin to doubt his capability and think thoughts such as, “I’m sure I’m not satisfying her”, or “My penis is too small”. These types of negative thoughts create a general belief in him of inadequacy and create feelings of anxiety about his ability to perform sexually.

The third cognitive pattern (and probably most familiar to those who suffer from performance anxiety) is self-critical thinking.  Thoughts such as “I’m a terrible lover”, “I’ll never be able to do this”, “If I were a real man, this would be simple”, are examples of thinking that is self-critical.  Once an individual goes down this road, it is pretty difficult to feel good about oneself, and maintain a positive self-esteem.

In contrast to the self-defeating cognitive patterns mentioned above, there are other research-based thinking patterns that have been found to reduce anxiety and increase performance.  One example is to employ “Positive Self Referent” on-task thinking.  To learn how to identify self-defeating cognitive patterns, and to replace them with other patterns that reduce anxiety and increase performance, contact either of the authors below.

Laura R. Meers, Ph.D. & D. Jerome Meers, Ph.D.

That is, it has thoughts and images, feelings, bodily reactions, and behavioral responses.  Thoughts include fear-based and/or self-critical statements.  Feelings include apprehension, dread, fear, and nervousness.  Physiological aspects include heart palpitations, muscle tension, stomach aches, headaches, etc.  Behaviorally, anxiety might lead an individual to avoid other people or situations, or exhibit nervous habits like nail biting, hair pulling, and foot tapping.

Anxiety is considered to be a normal reaction in response to some threatening external event…or a reaction to a perception that one is being threatened.  In such case, anxiety can lead a person to take protective action. Obviously, this would be a good thing. However, when anxiety is too frequent, or occurs without being stimulated by an identifiable outside stressor, it can develop into an anxiety disorder.  Approximately 19 million Americans suffer from this serious condition.  Since the causes of anxiety are many, and include both psychological and physical issues, it is important for an individual to seek psychological and/or medical assistance in assessing and managing this very hurtful and troubling condition.

After an individual has determined that all medical issues have been addressed, psychological approaches to managing and/or eliminating anxiety may be undertaken.  Significant progress can be made when these ideas and techniques are used…and often physiological “conditions” (e.g.  , hypertension) can be altered or eliminated regardless of their original cause.  The painful emotional aspects of anxiety (e.g., fear, dread), can be eliminated.

A Functional Concept for Managing Anxiety…is to imagine the real (or perceived) threat.  For example, imagine a charging bull!  Then assess your own abilities for coping with a charging bull.  If the charging bull is rated as a five on a scale of one to five, and you assess your capability as a three, on the same five-point scale, then the differential is the anxiety.   To manage the anxiety effectively, we need to close the gap! We can avoid the bull, we can learn bull-management techniques (think matador), or we can get a bull gun!  It is not effective to remain in the same situation, without important knowledge and skills, and to take no action to resolve the dilemma.  Continuing in such a state, likely will lead to greater anxiety because of the perception (belief) that we have very little CONTROL.  Individuals, who perceive that they have little control over their level of safety and well-being, usually experience a significant level of anxiety.  Individuals who have a classic fear of flying on an airplane have often said such things as, “I am afraid and I grip the armrest on my seat until I help the pilot get the plane off the ground…then I am ok”.  Unfortunately, some individuals train themselves to believe that they are not capable of gaining or maintaining the level of control that they need.  Additionally, such individuals often begin to imagine threats and “would-be” threats in the world around themselves.  Living in the presence of many threats (real and imagined) along with a self-perception of an inability to manage such threats, leads to the development of chronic anxiety.  It worsens still when an individual becomes adept at developing and imagining “what if” scenarios of what could possibly go wrong.  Unfortunately, this is not the skill development that would be most useful for the individual.

Psychological approaches for managing and eliminating anxiety include the strategies of conceptualizing the components of anxiety, managing the thoughts and feelings, and changing the behaviors and physical habits of anxiety.  Additionally, the individual will need to replace these anxiety patterns with adaptive and confident thoughts and beliefs.  He/she will need to learn how to create relaxed, calm, and resilient feelings.  He/she will need to develop desirable interpersonal skills such as: increased assertiveness, conflict-resolution skills, and decision-making skills.  The development of all of these very practical and “readily-learnable” skills, leads to the sought-after confidence and greater sense of control and self-mastery that prevents…or manages anxiety.  Confidence and success builds … and so does satisfaction and wellness.

Mass marketing of prescription drugs and quick fix “how to” books horribly overstate their helpfulness and do not cure unhappiness:     Instead of arriving at happiness as a result of the way we approach living, we go back and forth between moods of worry and gloominess and feel dreadfully deprived because our lives are not tension free. We demand or yearn for a cure for our anxiety and depression. As the 20th century ended, giant pharmaceutical companies heard our growing demand for a cure to moodiness and in recent years they’ve flooded our lives with mood drugs from which they make windfall profits. Often, mood altering drugs can be helpful in the reduction of symptoms associated with anxiety and depression. Unfortunately, selling mood drugs is the biggest of big business and the mass marketing of those prescription drugs horribly overstate their helpfulness. Television drug ads and quick fix “how to” books guarantee us a tension free life and cures for apprehension, distress, worry, despair, sadness and dejection. Free samples and free lunches provided to doctors by drug company “detail men and women” are methods used to manipulate and train doctors to prescribe psychotropic medications in amounts that currently rival the number of prescriptions written for antibiotics in the United States.  Patients who suffer from worry and sadness are led to believe that mood drugs are solutions to a tension free life and a cure for anxiety and depression. Americans in the twenty first century are brainwashed by slick advertising sound bites that curing worry and sadness is our only hope for happiness and joy.

Our cultural pursuit of “more” is the problem:     What television ads and quick fix “how to” books don’t tell us is the truth. We are a culture addicted to the pursuit of cures. We are taught to seek “more” happiness and whatever satisfaction or joy we do experience, eventually is not “enough”.  Our cultural pursuit of “more” is the problem and the solution is to find the place inside us that recognizes that life is lived best when we feel that we have “enough” to experience joy, satisfaction and happiness.

Worry and sadness are essential to human life. If we didn’t experience these moods we would have no way of knowing happiness and joy. We know happiness when we don’t worry and catastrophize about what to avoid in the future. We know happiness when we are not overwhelmed by dread and hopelessness from what happened in the past. We know happiness when fear doesn’t paralyze us and cause us to withdraw and avoid life in order to survive it. We know happiness when we are firmly anchored in the here and now, relaxed in our experience and acceptance of ourselves and the world around us.

To be “happy”, one must be anchored in the here and now as life “happens”:      Happiness is a moment by moment event in life and to sustain it or recapture it one must be anchored firmly in the here and now as life “happens”. “To happen” is the verb from which the word happiness is rooted. There is no cure for anxiety or depression that transforms one into a happy person. But, when one goes through each day and allows life to happen there is likelihood that happiness will emerge. In fact, happiness, satisfaction and joy of life is restricted by insisting, whining or yearning for a pill or magic directions that make us feel good all the time. The expectation that we deserve more happiness is learned from a culture in love with “more”. To expect “more” takes us away from objective reality and demands that we fix or cure our problems rather than accept and learn methods to better manage our problem in the here and now. The belief that we deserve more robs us of our here and now identity which is the only true thing we have through which happiness, satisfaction, joy and life itself can happen.

We are able to feel happy, not in spite of our strong moods, but because of them:      The essential truth of our existence is that “This is it”. There are no hidden meanings about reality and who and where we are. The context is that we are here and the time is now and all we must do is deal with life as it crashes into us.  Anxiety and depression are the sublime. They are neither good nor bad. They are powerful emotions that fill every part of us and crash into our lives demanding insight, acceptance and resolution. If we reject, resist, whine or try to cure our anxiety and depression it will grow stronger and dominate us more. If we seek to understand, accept and search confidently for better methods to resolve our emotional turmoil we can discover again and again the happiness that lies within us. We are able to feel happy not in spite of our strong moods, but, because of them. Worry and sadness are not the enemy, they are guideposts to our experience as we struggle to rediscover our happiness over and over.  

Through successful management of our feelings and problem behavior in the here and now, happiness can become a guiding force in life:     By learning to listen with a third ear and see with a third eye, we can better understand our moods and our behavior in real time. When we have insight into our moodiness and our interpersonal problems, only then we can learn and practice new more successful methods for managing our feelings and problem behavior. It is from those efforts that happiness can emerge as our primary way of experiencing life.

There are thousands of techniques or methods that we can learn to successfully accept and manage worry and gloomy moods and bring acceptance and satisfaction to life. This article will conclude by telling a story that leaves you with one such method. The story reminds us that healing occurs when we recognize and reframe the here and now to understand that there is a beginning, middle and end to every problem we experience each moment in life.  I hope you will find this story helpful as you go through your day today.

A powerful king in ancient times summoned his counselors. “Listen carefully” he began, “For I have a most important task for you. I need a saying to place on my royal ring. This saying must be appropriate for any problem that might be brought to me.”  After days passed the counselors returned with their solution. When the king heard the solution he was pleased with his counselors’ wisdom. The saying? “For this too shall pass”.

First, decide what you want to do! It sounds simple and obvious; however, often people can be in such a rush to find a job that it is easy to settle for something that does not fit previously set goals. It is better to look for an opportunity that matches a skill set, interests, family schedule, or life plans from the beginning. Taking the time to decide what you really want in the initial stages will save you time later. Examining your interests and talents can help lead to an area in which you can contribute and be successful. Talking to friends, family, teachers, a therapist or past co-workers may be able to provide you with some clarity about what situations you excel in and when you seem the most happy and fulfilled. Looking back on previous jobs or tasks and contemplating what was enjoyable and exciting also provides clues to areas that bring you the most satisfaction. Do not forget to take future career goals into account. You may just be looking for a summer job but if you want to be a veterinarian later, search for jobs relating to animals now. With all of the insight that you gain through this process remember to consider the basic requirements you need, such as job location or schedule and hours. Knowing all of these components should narrow your job search allowing you to start investigating fewer, more targeted options.

The second phase of job hunting involves researching the opportunities which match your interests. If you want to work with animals begin to educate yourself about jobs and careers in that field. Explore the types of work available by searching classifieds and job listings. Compile a list of people you can reach out to for information, such as: a local veterinarian, zoo staff, animal rescue personnel, or a trainer in the field. It can be beneficial to research options at different career levels, what qualifications are needed, the training or degrees required and how to acquire them. As you learn about the possibilities be sure to continually assess if they meet the criteria you decided on in the beginning of your job hunt. Use your new knowledge to fine tune your resume and cover letters to incorporate how your past achievements will benefit the new position.

Once you know what you want and the type of opportunities that are available, it is time to get out there! Contact everyone on the list you created earlier who may have insight, knowledge, tips or know additional contacts to connect you with during your job hunt. Ask them to meet with you and share their guidance on the best ways to enter and succeed in the field you have chosen. Tell people in your life that you are seeking work and what kind of job you want to land. Asking people to keep you in mind for opportunities they hear about can greatly expand the scope of your search. Meet and speak with everyone you can – networking continues to be one of the fastest and most effective tools in a successful job search. While meeting people continue to apply for jobs that fit your criteria. Even if the application is online, attempt to follow-up by speaking to a manager within a few business days of submitting your application. As you meet people and interview for positions, showcase qualities and skills that set you apart from other applicants. Express how you can benefit the company or business instead of why the job would benefit you. Demonstrate how you would be on the job during the interview: be attentive, prepared, engaged and well-groomed. Look for ways to gain experience, obtain references in the industry and gain access to more opportunities; for example, by joining a professional organization or volunteering in a related capacity.

Job searching is a job itself! It can be a frustrating process filled with both hope and rejection. It is also a process that can leave you knowing yourself better and having built relationships with others in the community. You may benefit from career counseling to assist you in exploring your growth opportunities or navigating your job search. Have patience and work hard – you’ll be able to hit the ground running when you land your dream job!

I recently worked with a couple where the man was clearly ADHD, but reportedly he had not exhibited the qualities of this condition when the couple was dating.  After they married, the wife was beside herself as she witnessed what seemed to her to be a total change in his personality and demeanor.  Neither one of them had a good explanation for his change, but current thinking regarding ADHD helps to better explain this phenomenon.  In fact, “attention deficit” is not entirely accurate as a descriptor.  People with ADHD can still focus.   When faced with a task they love, individuals with ADHD actually may become hyper-focused—spending all their time and energy on this task to the extent that it creates a detriment in attention to other areas of their life.

This man put much of his time and energy into the relationship before they were married; pursuing his wife was generally very reinforcing for both of them.  She was so flattered and gratified to be sought after with such zeal.  He was energized and stimulated by the pursuit of her; which kept him going until he achieved his goal, and they were married.  It was not evident to either of them until after they married that the hyper focus upon his pursuit of her had jeopardized other areas of his life, and their life together.

 At this time, the “high” of the pursuit began to settle down, and his ADHD became quite obvious. He was unable to complete daily chores and tasks, such as paying the bills, picking up his clothes, doing dishes, going to bed at a reasonable hour (she complained that he had almost entirely stopped coming to bed with her).He rarely got to work on time, and he often overdrew their checking account, and spent money on things neither of them needed. He did have one area in which he was completely focused, however.   He did love to cook, and would spend hours on a new recipe.  Of course, he left the kitchen in such disarray; she was in no mood to try his preparations.   She frequently was angry, since she was running the home almost single-handedly, while holding a full- time job.   Their relationship had evolved from a sexy love affair into a parent/child arrangement where she was continuously scolding him and reminding him of chores that needed to be done. He became sullen and withdrawn at home, and complained of no energy and being depressed.

 He did agree to see his family doctor regarding his depression and lack of energy.  He was prescribed an antidepressant, and he did experience some relief from his depression. However, the other symptoms continued at full speed.  Once again, ADHD left untreated or mistreated can contribute even further to the eventual breakdown of a couple.  By the time I saw this couple, she was pretty adamant that their marriage was over.  She had agreed to try counseling to satisfy herself that she had done everything possible to “save their marriage”.  As our counseling progressed, I suggested that we explore the possibility of his having ADHD.  After accurately establishing this as the diagnosis, both of them developed a new perspective on themselves and their relationship.  He received appropriate medication, and therapy. She continued in some individual therapy to receive support and encouragement for all she had endured in this relationship. (She had undergone a significant loss of her own self-esteem in this marriage.)   They also continued in their couple’s therapy, and learned strategies to manage their differences, and increase their emotional intimacy and trust.

 As is the case with most people with ADHD, receiving an appropriate diagnosis is the first and probably most important step in the process of dealing with this very difficult (but highly treatable) disorder.  Facing this diagnosis together is life-changing for both partners.  ADHD in married adults is likely under- diagnosed because either the person with ADHD is ashamed to admit to having this disorder, or his or her partner feels embarrassed to admit that they are in such a dysfunctional relationship. Seeking professional help allows the couple to get the facts and learn strategies and interventions to manage this debilitating condition.  Both partners learn how to cope and deal with ADHD, and this knowledge leads to establishing a closer, more fulfilling relationship.     

 Laura R. Meers, Ph.D.

1.)   The first step is to begin talking with your parents early about how to manage their concerns, priorities, and wishes regarding their finances, medical care, and housing options, and general self-care. 

2.)   Make sure your parent(s) have an up-to-date will with a durable power of attorney, and advance directives (i.e. a living will). This will aid them in maintaining a sense of control, and also reduce the burden for the remaining family members of making these difficult decisions for their loved ones.

3.)   Do your homework and know what options are available for in home care (i.e. senior companions), and/or senior housing facilities. It’s quite likely your parents will need one or both of these.

4.)  Delegate, delegate, delegate!!  Even if you want to take care of all your parents needs, it’s impossible to do so without making yourself sick.  Ask for help from other family members, friends, free community services and paid caretakers.  Make a list of what needs to be done, and commit to doing the things you select.  Do not take on more; get help.

5.)   Take a break away from these duties periodically.  Even if your parents live with you, find someone who can stay with them while you take a break, go out with friends, or go on vacation.  Having something else to think about and to anticipate will actually help you be a better caretaker.

6.)   Maintain your sense of humor.  Laughing is a wonderful stress reliever and can actually improve your immune system and provide you with the energy to keep going. 

7.)   Ultimately you need to do what works best for you and your family.  Don’t compare your situation with your friends’ or co-workers’.  It’s amazing how many people have advice for you regarding  how to do this difficult job.  Find what works for you and your family, and trust your own decisions. 

This period of life can actually be very rewarding for you and your parents.  You can experience great joy in being a positive part of your parents’ latter years.  Many children of aging parents have commented how this time has been an opportunity to connect with their parents in a meaningful and positive way. You will also be a role model for your own children of a proactive, healthy approach for managing this stage of life.  One day when it’s your children’s turn to be there for you, they will have seen and experienced a healthy, respectful example before them, and perhaps they will act in a similar fashion.    

Laura R. Meers, Ph.D.

Most people want to be in a positive relationship and reap the benefits that come with one, such as feelings of love, security and companionship.  Unfortunately, it seems like it can be difficult to find a healthy, successful relationship to learn from and emulate.  Relationships are all around us: at home, on TV sitcoms and reality shows, in fairytales, and in the tabloids.  Our view of a normal relationship, and what constitutes a “happy ending”, has become increasingly convoluted.  The line between what is accepted and what is healthy continues to be blurred.  With so many conflicting relationship styles and so much confusing advice, it is difficult to find truthful and helpful answers to common questions, like:

• How fast is too fast?
• Is this a healthy relationship?
• Can I trust this person?
• Will this relationship last?

Having well-established personal boundaries can help to create a healthy relationship while also maintaining one’s sense of self.  It is easy to lose ourselves in relationships while trying to impress the other person and make them happy – sometimes to the detriment of our own happiness!  Having a clear sense of our own values and personal limits can help to navigate potentially confusing situations.  A perfect time to determine personal boundaries and limits is before they are tested; however, it is always a good time to explore and reassess our comfort level in relationships.  Questions to determine personal limits may include:

• How independent do I wish to remain in a relationship?
• How do I choose between my friends and significant other on weekends?
• What am I not willing to give up for my boyfriend/girlfriend?
• What practices do I feel comfortable with sexually?
• How much time do I want to spend with my significant other?

Relationships are an integral part of life.  Establishing a new romantic relationship can be exciting and overwhelming.  The process of growing and maintaining that relationship can take a lot of effort and be incredibly rewarding when it is aligned with your personal belief system!

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, a 2010 research study conducted by the Kaiser Family Foundation found that children and teens between the ages of 8 to 18 years spend on average more than 7 hours per day with various forms of media and electronics. Believe it or not, the only other activity that children and teens typically spend more time engaging in is sleeping!

Many parents recognize that there is an ongoing dilemma with the amount of exposure children and teens have to mass media and electronics in the form of television, movies, cell phones, video/computer games, and the Internet. However, the above statistics may be even more alarming than anticipated.

Children and teens today are spending less time participating in creative outlets. They are no longer as interested in reading books and magazines, rather they are more engrossed in social networking through “tweets” and “newsfeeds” on Facebook. Their free time is often more absorbed with interactive video gaming or conversations with friends via text messaging, instead of conversing with family members about their day-to-day activities.

When the ongoing use of electronics becomes an integral part of children and teens’ lives, it can sometimes have detrimental effects. Some studies suggest that social networking can bring about feelings of sadness and low self-esteem in teenage girls. It also places children and teens at greater risks for cyber bullying, social anxiety and addictive tendencies. In addition, when children and teens isolate themselves by using electronics for hours upon end, they are less dedicated to schoolwork and more susceptible to decreased physical health. 

Technology dominates every facet of our children’s lives from academics to social interactions to leisurely activities. For some families, it has shaped their lifestyles to be completely different than generations past. The challenge that most parents face today is finding ways to utilize technology in a manner that is more beneficial and less harmful to their children’s wellbeing. So, empowering your child to use technology to create more healthful opportunities is a great place to start! 

Decreasing Your Child’s Time Spent Plugged-In

Below are some creative suggestions on how parents and their children can utilize the benefits of technology to promote wellness-related family activities:

MapMyRUN (http://www.mapmyrun.com/) is a wonderful website that enables children to use a geographical map to calculate their mileage while running. For example, if your child likes to run from your home to a nearby park several times a week, MapMyRUN can track details of his or her physical activity. It also offers updates on fitness events in the Columbus area, such as community walks/runs (i.e., the Annual Turkey Trot). Children can also download iMapMy+ from their iPhones or iPod Touch and track their every step with a built in GPS (this includes running, walking, riding, and hiking), and update their physical activity via Facebook!

Trails.com (http://www.trails.com/) is another website that offers great ideas for children and their parents to plan a day hiking trip. Children can search for hiking trails throughout Columbus. If they find that they enjoy hiking, they can also use their imagination to plan for future hiking trips all over the United States! Trails.com also offers fun tips on outdoor activities for all family members to enjoy.

Wii Fit (http://wiifit.com/) is a creative way to get your child involved in entertaining physical exercise. Wii Fit is a Nintendo video game that offers over 60 activities that include strength training, aerobics and yoga, as well as a multitude of other fun, family-oriented games such as tennis, bowling, and obstacle courses for all family members to benefit from.

Geocaching (http://www.geocaching.com/default.aspx) is an innovative way to seek new adventures with your family. It is a high-tech treasure hunting game that is played all over the world. With a GPS, families can set out to locate hidden containers, called geocaches, in their area and then share their treasures and adventures online! Geocaching is also a fun way to positively interact with others through social networking.

If your child spends too much time with electronics and/or has accompanied feelings of sadness, social anxiety or low self-esteem, counseling can help children and parents make use of technology in a way that promotes a more balanced lifestyle.   

A loving parent recently expressed some concerns regarding her teenage son becoming overweight. She mentioned that her son was preoccupied with technology. His time was being consumed with cell phones, iPods, iPads, text messaging, emailing, video games, Youtube, and social networks such as Facebook and Myspace. Her son was no longer interested in riding his bike, shooting “hoops” or walking over to his friend’s house. Rather, he preferred communicating the latest events of his day to his friends via text message or instant messenger. She asked herself, “When was the last time he sat down for a meal or enjoyed a healthy snack?” She realized that he preferred to grab snacks on the go that usually included unhealthy foods such as pizza, chips, fast food and microwavable meals.
As a mother, she expressed that she tried her best to model good nutrition, routine exercise, balanced sleeping habits and healthful social interactions for her son. However, while juggling the demands of extended work hours, afterschool activities, social engagements and household chores, wellness-related activities seemed to no longer be at the top of the family’s priority list.
Today, many parents have similar concerns as described above. They are worried about their children adopting more sedentary lifestyles and how this may impact their ability to make healthful choices as they grow to become more autonomous individuals. So, what can parents do to decrease the risks of childhood obesity?

Know the Risk Factors

According to the White House Task Force on Childhood Obesity (Report to the President; May 2010):
·1 out of 3 children in the United States struggles with obesity issues. This means that children who are obese may be at greater risk of developing medical illnesses such as diabetes, heart disease, cancer, sleep apnea and asthma.
·Obese children have a greater likelihood of developing mental health-related issues. Many parents who seek mental health services for their obese children report that they are having difficulty coping with feelings of sadness, loneliness and depression, anxiety and worrisome thoughts, acting out behaviors, low self-esteem, body image issues and binge-eating disorders.
·Obese children are more likely to be bullied than their non-obese peers regardless of sex, race, socioeconomic status, social skills, or academic achievement. They also often report difficulties with initiating and maintaining healthy peer relationships, and tend to be frequent victims of ridicule.

Know What You Can Do To Promote Healthy Eating
Below are some creative suggestions on how you can model healthful eating for both you and your child.

Practice good nutrition: Model appropriate portion sizes both at home and when eating out. Rather than ordering French fries at a restaurant, try a side salad instead. Pack a healthy lunch for yourself and your child. Also, show your child the benefits of eating raw fruits and vegetables, whole grains, essential fats and oils, and protein-rich foods.
Enjoy everyone’s favorite healthy meal: Dedicate Sunday nights to weekly meal planning. Encourage each family member to identify his or her favorite recipe. Then, choose one night out of the week when you and your child can prepare his or her favorite meal together, one that the whole family can enjoy! It may also be fun to spend some time together perusing through cookbooks or searching online for healthy and time-efficient recipes.
Encourage conversation around the dinner table: Foster dinner conversation by asking your child to share thoughts and experiences regarding his or her day. This will help your child feel comfortable with expressing his or her feelings to others. This is also a great way to increase communication among family members!
Limit media time: Help model relaxing behaviors and activities by sitting down and reading a book or listening to music. Encourage your child to participate in an activity of his or her liking and decrease the amount of time spent watching television or sitting in front of the computer. Encourage your child to get up and do a quick physical activity in between commercials or to take a break from the computer every 20 minutes.

Increase fun, physical activities: During the winter months when outdoor activities are often limited due to weather, ask your child if he or she would like to take up a hobby that involves a physical activity, such as a martial arts or a yoga class. Even taking a walk with your child when you get home from work will promote physical exercise and wellbeing.
Remember to practice what you preach: Remember, you are an amazing and influential individual in the eyes of your child. Your positive modeling behavior will encourage your child to make smart and healthy decisions now, and in the years to come!

If you find that you have tried some of the suggestions above, although your attempts have been unsuccessful, it may be helpful to seek professional guidance. Here at Meers, Inc., our collaborative approach to treatment helps children and their families discover their personal strengths. Children will gain the support and tools needed to overcome difficult life challenges and to create positive change.

Wikipedia encyclopedia defines dysfunctional family as a family in which conflict, misbehavior, and often abuse on the part of the individual family members occur repeatedly and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions.  So, what exactly does this mean and how does this look? The following examples illustrate “classic” dysfunctional families, as well as some examples of families that may not be so clearly defined, but certainly meet the criteria of dysfunctional.

Classic Dysfunction

+Alcoholic dad gets drunk and yells at or strikes his wife while the children either attempt to defend their mom or hide in their bedrooms to avoid the conflict. The next day the mom and dad are laughing together, and the children go about their routines as if nothing had happened the day before.

+Angry teen yells at his mom and calls her names, shoves her and refuses to come out of his room when called for dinner.  The mom sends up a plate of food, and there are no consequences for his anti-social aggression. The rest of the family eats dinner and makes small talk about their day.

+Teenage daughter tells her Mom that her step-dad has come into her room at night and gotten into bed with her. Daughter says she is afraid and doesn’t know what he wants.  Mom tells her daughter she should stop making up stories and that her marriage is at stake if the daughter causes any problems.  Daughter agrees to keep silent. Step-dad continues to come into her room. No further mention is made of what is happening in this home.

In all of these situations, one disruptive, abusive family member creates conflict, and the rest of the family “cooperate” in accommodating his or her misbehavior. These examples are pretty obvious, but some dysfunctions are a little more subtle.

Subtle dysfunction is a lot more difficult to recognize because there does not seem to be outright abuse.   When examined more fully, it becomes clear that one or two family members are acting in emotionally or physically abusive ways with the silent “support” of the rest of the family.

Subtle Dysfunction

+ Mom and Dad frequently praise and brag about their oldest daughter’s skills in music and dance.  They attend all her recitals and give her special privileges.  Their second daughter participates in a girl’s hockey team.  The family thinks her interest is “cute”, but do not attend her games.  They encourage her to skip practices and games that conflict with her sister’s recitals.    The entire family expects the second daughter to support actively her sister and her sister’s interests.

+ Mom works all day at her office job.  She comes home and fixes dinner for her family of two teenage children and her husband. She does the dishes, packs lunches for the next day, assists the kids with their homework, walks the dog, and straightens the clutter in the house. Her husband and children make fun and ridicule her when she goes to bed early, calling her an old lady and a “drag “to be around. 

+ An older brother threatens his little brother he will beat him up if he refuses to “play with “his genitals when they are sharing a bed together.  The mother sees this happening as she walks past their bedroom.  She tells her husband and they agree to stay silent about this and let the boys work this out together. They laugh to one another and say “kids will be kids”.

+ Two working parents give their only child every material item she wants.  They allow her to have ample privileges and to watch any television program she chooses.  If she doesn’t feel like going to school, they let her stay home and play.  They work hard all week, and because they need some “time for themselves”, they hire a sitter to take her to activities on the weekend.  They often take vacations and leave her at home with a sitter.  She doesn’t complain, because she is allowed to do pretty much anything she wants.

Whether your family of origin was dysfunctional or you are presently living in a dysfunctional family system, understanding and clarifying your contribution to these dynamics may serve as the first step to healing the dysfunction.  The healing may begin once you are able to articulate and communicate the problem.  Counseling with a trusted therapist is a safe and effective way to begin the healing.

It is difficult to manage what we do not acknowledge and what we do not understand. The duality has existed as long as humans have had conscious thought. It exists in the biblical creation story, and it exists in the story of evolution, and it exists in our tabloid journalism stories, and it exists inside you, the reader of this article. Lack of acknowledgment and understanding of our sexual impulses and desires renders us more apt to mismanage our sexual selves and default to a “just do it” strategy. As explained throughout the sexual addiction literature, many of the greatest costs …and tragedies… of sexual addiction is a result of “unintended consequences” related to the poor choices that we make in our sexual lives when managing our duality.  Such lack of awareness of ourselves, and lack of the process, creates a denial and thus a disregard of the possible tragic consequences that might likely impact ourselves and others. Once the health, marital, familial, economic, and/or occupational, legal tragedy occurs, and once the facts are reviewed, there is often disbelief at the level of irrationality exercised by the sexual addict. “What was he (or she) thinking?” “He was thinking with his penis.” “How could he do this?, etc.
Examples of thought mismanagement and what he/she was thinking:

• If no one else discovers what I am doing, then I will be happy and no one else will suffer.
• This is for me and I deserve it and no one else understands.
• I am in love and I must be with this person, because we are soul mates and we should be together, even though we are trapped by the circumstances of our lives.
• I cannot get this type of satisfaction otherwise, and I must keep doing what I am doing to keep my family and my life intact.
• I am secretly unhappy, but if I do this, I can cope with unhappiness and I do not have to hurt anyone else or upset my family…so I am doing it for others.
• The only relief that I get from stress and anxiety is when I realize that I have no control and I give in to my impulses.

Most often, other individuals involved with the sexual addict, including “co-dependent partners”, are able to penetrate the denial process once confronted by severe consequences and tragedies. However, the sexual addict has created and developed sufficiently resilient “rationalizations” and excuses in an attempt to justify and balance their illicit behavior against the high levels of risk and potential destruction in their lives and in the lives of their significant others.

So, what difference does it make that we are gradually becoming a population that communicates to, through and with our cell phones, blackberries, droids, et al.?  The answer is that it makes a huge difference in our ability to give and receive intimacy and connection with another human being. When we are focused on a small machine, we are essentially removed from real human contact and interaction. Words written on a device only tell half the story; the rest of the story is written on the face or spoken in the tone of voice of the other person. If we are communicating on our cell phones, we don’t have the opportunity to look into the eyes of the other person. We don’t see how their mouths are turning up or down, or if their eyes are filling with tears, or if their heads are shaking from side to side.  We miss all the gestures and subtle cues that really tell us how they feel. If we are texting, we don’t even get the benefit of hearing their voice inflection or volume. We can only guess what the music is behind the words. The act of texting, takes us another step away from human connection. Not only do we not see the person we are engaging with, we can’t even hear their voice! There is no way to know if what they are writing is said with anger, impatience, jest, fear, etc.; the list of emotions we miss is infinite.

The price we pay is the loss of real emotional intimacy and connection with another human being. We are missing out on all the signals we send and receive when we engage face to face with one another. While iphones, droids, blackberries, (fill in your device of choice), have made our communication instantaneous and efficient, they cannot replace the richness of being physically close with another human being.  Just seeing the look in someone’s eyes, or the gestures made with their hands says more than hundreds of words written in a text. In fact, no words need to be used to communicate our thoughts and feelings when we are looking at one another face to face.

When we sacrifice time spent communicating directly with another person, we are training ourselves to replace true intimacy and connection with unfulfilling substitutes. We are trying to convince ourselves that a quick “luv u” on a text is equivalent to a heartfelt “I love you” said by one person to another as they look directly at one another. As an observer of human nature, it is fascinating to watch this phenomenon evolve where people are not only increasingly less aware of each other’s non-verbal signals, but less connected through physical touch and presence.   As someone who cares deeply about preserving intimacy and connection with one another, I am hopeful that we will recognize the value in human contact and interaction, and work to prioritize this in our lives.

In a perfect world, women and men would be single when they dated; and once married, would be exclusive with their spouse. However, the world is not perfect and many women find themselves involved with a married man.

It is particularly disconcerting, or comforting, depending if you are the wife or the “other woman”, that only five percent of married men actually leave their spouses for the girlfriend. So, what’s a girl to do?

The obvious answer is “Don’t date a married man!” However, if the solution were that simple the countless, articles, books, newspaper articles, television programs, web sites, movies, etc., etc., dedicated to this issue would be unnecessary.

If you do find yourself in this situation, here are a few points to ponder:

1. Are you truly getting what you want for yourself now?

2. Is your behavior creating undue hardship for anyone else?

3. If nothing changes, are you satisfied with the current status of the relationship?

4. What plans have you two made for the next two to five years?

5. Do you and your boyfriend have the same goals?

6. Do you two share similar strategies for meeting your goals?

7. Are you helping your lover to “keep YOU a secret”?

8. Do you ever go out on a “normal” date with him?

9. Do you ever spend any holidays together?

10. Do you know anyone else in his life?

The list of soul-searching questions is endless. This is just a beginning. The main point is to THINK about what you are doing and why you are doing it. And remember, if he really wants a relationship with you, he will make it happen. So, if you just keep waiting and waiting for him to leave his wife——–DON’T!

Communication and conflict resolution skills are essential to healthy long lasting relationships. Here are a few tips for improving your skills.

1. Be aware of your feelings and know that you have the right to feel any feeling (boredom, hate, lust, awe). Good communication starts with understanding yourself.

2. It is not wise to act upon your feelings or even to talk about them with your spouse. It is okay to feel like hitting your spouse but it wouldn’t be a good idea to do it.

3. Timing is important to successful communication. It is best to talk about important issues when both people are rested, sober, and ready for a serious talk. It’s wise to avoid serious discussions when you are tired, or too angry.

4. Either person should have the right to end the discussion if it gets too angry or out of control. It should be rescheduled one to seven days later so that both people can think about how to communicate in ways that will help reach some type of agreement.

5. It is helpful to use “I messages” in conflict situations. “I feel angry when you are late getting home”. Avoid “you messages” such as “You are always late”. You have the right to feel any feeling but in conflict situations it’s best to avoid “you messages” which imply judgment.

6. It’s helpful to use “proposal” language. “I propose that we only eat out once a month in order to save money”. Proposal language invites the other person to negotiate with you if they don’t agree with you idea. Proposal language helps couple avoid control
issues.

7. Remember that the way you say things—your voice tone and body language—communicate more than your words. Respectful tones are helpful.

8. In conflict resolution avoid threats of violence; threats to end the relationship; bringing up several issues at the same time; sarcasm; absolutes (“you never” or ” you always”); name calling or labeling(“you are a bully” or “that is childish”); dwelling on the past.

It takes practice to learn new skills. Don’t expect too much too fast. But, do practice! Relationships are important to life and to health. They are worth the work!