Have you ever had this happen…you are running very late getting home from work, and thinking as you are driving about what you are going to prepare for dinner. Did you remember to thaw something out before you left the house this morning? As you head home with a sense of dread about preparing dinner, setting the table, cleaning up breakfast dishes, etc., you walk in the door and notice the great smells wafting from the kitchen. You walk into a clean kitchen, and your husband is there to greet you with a hug and a kiss. He tells you to take your time and change into comfortable clothes. Dinner will be ready soon, and you can just relax and he will take care of everything.
If this has never happened to you (or something similar to this), you may not have experienced the joy of someone loving you enough to anticipate what you want and need and providing it for you. When both partners in a relationship are doing this for one another, there is a tremendous boost of energy and vitality that both have the opportunity to share. Knowing that your partner is thinking about you and what makes you happy is an assurance that you are totally loved and treasured.
When you tell your partner you love them, it makes you feel good. However, when you demonstrate your love to them by focusing on what they want and need, then they feel loved. What few people understand is that working toward helping your partner feel loved is a reward and joy in and of itself.
Let’s revisit the example of the wife coming home to a clean kitchen…from the husband’s perspective. The husband arrives home early from work. The kitchen dishes are still on the counter, and there is no sign of impending dinner anywhere. He thinks about how his wife would feel coming home to this, and he decides he will surprise her by having the kitchen all cleaned and dinner ready for her when she arrives home. He begins to feel excited and happy about his plan, as he imagines how pleased she will be when she comes home to a clean kitchen and dinner awaiting her. As he loads the dishwasher, he feels energized imagining his wife’s beautiful smile when she walks in the door and he greets her with a kiss. While he is preparing something really special for her, he is also basking in the joy of the experience.
If you are skeptical about this scenario, or if you are stuck in an “exchange system” relationship in which each partner is careful to make sure they get their own needs met before meeting the needs of the other, you may wish to examine the benefits of evolving your relationship into one in which each partner works toward the best interest of the other.
Anticipating and meeting your partner’s needs is good for both of you. Reaching this goal requires good communication built upon a foundation of trust and mutual respect. Building such a foundation is possible in every relationship if both people are willing to examine themselves and their positive and negative contributions toward one another. Loving one another by anticipating and meeting each other’s needs, leads to a profound and enduring connection that will sustain a couple through many challenges in their lives together.
Laura R. Meers, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychologist
