When is the last time you really considered your loved one’s thoughts or feelings when you were making a decision that affected them? Most of us would like to view ourselves as considerate people, but what does it take to put this view of ourselves into everyday practice? Consideration of a loved one involves understanding of their thoughts and feelings and an effort to listen to them in a way that communicates respect and genuine concern for their well-being. What you find as considerate behavior may not be interpreted by your loved one in the same way. For example, you may think you are being considerate when you bring home flowers to your loved one. However, helping with the housework without being asked might be more in line with what your partner views as a consideration of their feelings and needs. Consideration is active. It anticipates and creates support before being asked. Consideration for your loved one is based on a real understanding of them as a person, and an ability to listen to what they tell you, and sometimes what they don’t say.
Communicating in a considerate manner about an area of disagreement is often difficult for couples. Sometimes one person is ready and willing to talk, but the other one is not prepared for the exchange. Deciding how to negotiate this difference in a respectful manner often sets a tone for how the couple will be interacting. It is useful to determine the best time to accommodate both schedules and insure that each person is ready to share. Once the sharing begins, it is important to demonstrate consideration by actively listening to one another. For example, a “hot” topic for many couples is how they spend their money. In most relationships, ideas about spending and saving differ. Discussing how, when, and where, money is spent or saved can be very stressful. Having this discussion in a considerate, safe environment goes a long way in helping make it a successful endeavor. Both parties need to be able to share their views without fears of being ridiculed or judged. Both need to be certain they have been heard even (and especially) if they disagree. To participate in a discussion in which each person feels heard, respected, and validated is as important in most relationships as finding the “right” solution to the problem. When couples are encouraging one another to communicate openly and fully, most well-meaning couples will find a workable solution to their problems.
Another practical aspect of being considerate is that it affords each person the opportunity to present themselves in the best light. Not needing to communicate defensively (always worried about being judged or criticized) allows each person to tap into their own wealth of knowledge and creativity. Often, the solutions that come from a couples’ considerate, non-judgmental communication, are far better than any one individual contribution or idea.
Being considerate is not difficult, but it does require thoughtfulness and a real effort to understand and anticipate your partner’s needs. When two people have a genuine love and affection for one another, they will make effort to do whatever it takes to make sure that they are meeting each others needs. When both people are practicing consideration, a loving environment is established wherein both feel understood and valued.
Laura R. Meers, Ph.D.
