Two Wolves 

One evening a Native American told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. 

He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.  One is the Wolf of Suffering.  It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.  The other is the Wolf of Contentment. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith." 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?" 

The grandfather replied, "The one you feed."

One powerful way that we feed our wolves is by what we choose to think and tell ourselves.  Ideally we are mindful of what we are thinking so that we can deliberately choose to feed the Wolf of Contentment.  However, we aren’t always aware of what we are telling ourselves.  In fact, many of our thoughts are habits.  And habits are by definition actions that we take unconsciously.  They are automatic actions triggered by things that are happening around us or things that happening internally like emotions or other thoughts.

An important step toward consistently feeding the good wolf is becoming aware of the opportunities to choose what we will think about.  What wolf do we choose to feed?  This means that we must be able to observe our thoughts.  Can you step back and observe yourself thinking?  Just what are you thinking when someone cuts in front of you in line or is late to a meeting?  What goes through your mind when someone asks you for help?  What is going on in your body?  What emotion are you feeling?  Tensions in your body or emotions can trigger your thoughts. Therefore, it is important to be aware of what is happening in your body, in your emotions, and in your mind.  Any of these things may trigger an automatic thought that may feed either wolf.  Taking control of your choices requires that you are aware of your opportunities to choose.

Once you are aware of what you are thinking and what triggers your feelings and thoughts, you will need to describe it for yourself.  Yes, I am suggesting that you talk to yourself.  This has two benefits.  First, it is a way to tell yourself what you have learned about yourself. It brings it fully to your awareness.  Second, it helps you focus on what is happening right now and become clear about what you want to be happening.  If you are feeling envy or jealously, what were the triggers?  What thoughts are you having as you experience the feeling?  If you are feeling compassion or generosity, what triggered the feeling?  Do you notice any patterns or recurring thoughts associated with either wolf?

We all have thought habits.  Some good and some are not so good.  Therefore, another step toward taking responsibility for which wolf you feed is to understand your own thought habits.  What are you noticing about your thoughts?  Are some triggered more frequently?  Are there any patterns that you observe?  Many people find a list of common thinking distortions helpful when they are trying to recognize their negative patterns.  These distortions act as lenses that bend our thinking to feed the Wolf of Suffering.

Read through the list of cognitive distortions below.  Which apply to your thinking habits?

1. Mind reading: You assume that you know what people think without having sufficient evidence of their thoughts.  He thinks I’m a loser.
2. Fortune telling: You predict the future—that things will get worse or that there is danger ahead. I’ll fail that exam or I won’t get the job.
3. Catastrophizing: You believe that what has happened or will happen will be so awful and unbearable that you won’t be able to stand it.  It would be terrible if I failed.
4. Labeling:  You assign global negative traits to yourself and others. I’m undesirable or He’s a rotten person.
5. Discounting positives:  You claim that the positive accomplishments you or others attain are trivial.  That’s what friends are supposed to do—so it doesn’t count when she’s nice to me or Those successes were easy, so they don’t matter.
6. Negative filter: You focus almost exclusively on the negatives and seldom notice the positives. Look at all the people who don’t like me.
7. Overgeneralization:  You perceive a global pattern of negatives on the basis of a single incident. This generally happens to me.  I seem to fail at a lot of things.
8. Dichotomous thinking:  You view events, or people, in all-or-nothing terms.  I got rejected by everyone or It was a waste of time.
9. Shoulds:  You interpret events in terms of how things should be rather than simply focusing on what is.  I should do well.  If I don’t, then I’m a failure.
10. Personalizing:  You attribute a disproportionate amount of the blame for negative events to yourself and fail to see that certain events are also caused by others. My marriage ended because I failed.
11. Blaming:  You focus on the other person as the source of your negative feelings and you refuse to take responsibility for changing yourself. She’s to blame for the way I feel now or My parents caused all my problems.
12. Unfair comparisons:  You interpret events in terms of standards that are unrealistic by focusing primarily on others who do better than you and then judging yourself inferior in the comparison. She’s more successful than I am.
13. Regret orientation:  You focus on the idea that you could have done better in the past, rather than on what you could do better now.  I could have had a better job if I had tried or I shouldn’t have said that.
14. What if?:  You ask a series of questions about “what if” something happens, and you are never satisfied with any of the answers. Yeah, but what if I get anxious?
15. Emotional reasoning:  You let feelings guide your interpretation of reality. I feel depressed; therefore, my marriage is not working out.
16. Inability to disconfirm:  You reject any evidence or arguments that might contradict your negative thoughts.  When you have the thought “I’m unlovable,” you reject as irrelevant any evidence that people actually like you.  Consequently, your thought cannot be refuted.
17. Judgment focus:  You view yourself, others, and events in terms of black/white evaluations (good-bad or superior-inferior) rather than simply describing, accepting, or understanding.  You are continually measuring yourself and others according to arbitrary standards and find that you and others fall short.  You are focused on the judgments of others as well as your own judgments of yourself. I didn’t perform well in college or If I take up tennis, I won’t do well or Look how successful she is.  I’m not successful.

Adapted from Leahy (1996)

If you discover that you have a habit that is causing you to feed the Wolf of Suffering, the best way to change the habit is to be aware that your thinking is distorted and actively and deliberately correct the distortion.  You build on your awareness and description to actively think differently…to starve the Wolf of Suffering and nurture the Wolf of Contentment.

Linda S. Karlovec, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychologist