Save the Date!: Select a Mate - Part Three

I suggest that you make a list of characteristics that you would like to find in your ideal mate. It is so much easier to find what you are looking for, if you have identified what those things are before you start your search. We will examine this process in greater detail later, but there is something that is far more critical in the effective, adaptive, "select a mate" process. It is most critical to discover, ascertain, and/or articulate 'WHO YOU ARE!"

What? Are you assuming that some ideal person out there will find YOU ideal? Why would that be? Could it be because "deep down" you are a truly good person and even though you have flaws, tell little white lies when necessary, and make plenty of mistakes, that your good intentions exonerate you from your foibles? Could it be because you have often been effective in hiding those little issues and you hope to fix them over time ... the way you plan to start a legitimate exercise program someday? Some of us (mostly us guys, believe it is ok to be a little naughty or flawed, and that it is kinda cool, we will change it someday when we get older and/or it will be our ideal mate's job to monitor these issues and change us, "from the outside in". Ideal women do that, right?). OK ... maybe not, but in any case, it is important to know yourself and to face yourself honestly.

Knowing yourself, sounds like something you might do alone (and never confess publicly), but the process will actually be one in which others will have a hand. That is because we are designed to not be objective about ourselves. Similarly, one other individual who knows/loves/likes you will not be objective and/or might not tell you their observations frankly. There are professional ways to know yourself. The use of personality tests, for example, is effective and often fun. Several of these types of instruments are online and can be utilized without cost. Be careful with these however, because some are not valid or reliable. It seems that lots of people use horoscopes, astrological, and other similar methods in their search to discover or ascertain their characteristics. I recommend reliable, valid personality testing, professionally guided interviews, and similar approaches (because I am a psychologist, behavioral scientist), but in any case, I do recommend the pursuit of truth about yourself. For example, are you an introvert or extrovert? If so, how much are you introverted/extroverted? Do you make decisions based primarily upon "logic and objective analysis" or do you base your decisions primarily upon "feelings and subjective data"? These are just a very few of the types of questions that might be examined professionally, and the implications and applications of these results are interesting (and fun) to examine (even though they may sound rather dry here).

The process can START far more simply (with things that might not matter very much) and progress toward issues that DO matter, albeit sometimes kinda scary to face. What is your favorite color? Are you a carnivore or a vegan? (Practical) What is your relationship with money? Are you good at it, do you struggle with it, do you worship it? (Spiritual) Do you believe in God? What role does religion serve in your life, if any? Does denomination matter? How about sex? Are you good at it, do you struggle with it, do you worship it? (Interpersonal skills) What do you do when you face conflict with someone you care about? Do you confront, negotiate, avoid? (Psychological) What about control? To what extent do you want/need to be in control? Do you need to be in control always or do you easily "give up control" and follow easily? (Romantic) How do you like to express love? Do you give gifts? Can you say the "Love" word easily enough? Do you like to touch and be touched affectionately?

MOST importantly, are your VALUES. They can be discovered by answering questions like those above and then indicating how important these issues are for you. Answer these questions as they would apply for your ideal mate. How important is it that they match your answers above? You are good with money, they are not. You love to be touched affectionately and you love sex. They do not, etc. You are devout in your faith and religion, they are not.

I can tell you that I have observed over twenty-five years working with couples that those who have divorced have often said, during and after the divorce process, that they love each other. They often painfully and tearfully express their love and regret to each other as they conclude that they must continue the divorce process. They pursue the divorce, often regretfully, because of two factors. One, they have DIFFERENT VALUES, and they did not recognize those differences and address and honor those differences with reconciliation or open compromise or change. Two, they struggled and hurt each other (often with good intentions) to the point that they have so much emotional "scar tissue" that they cannot sufficiently forgive each other.

Discovering your true values should not be taken lightly and it is critical that each of the parties examine and discuss the importance of these values with each other. Certain values generally remain stable over time, but because we are developing creatures (hopefully) some important values shift and evolve with age and maturation. Thus, we have a "moving target". This complication alone, if the above is not convincing enough, should indicate that the selection of a mate for a life-long commitment, is worthy of due diligence and professional guidance. I dare say that this process is perhaps the most important pre-wedding arrangement.

D. Jerome Meers, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychologist