Save the Date!: Select a Mate - Part Two

So how do people choose their mates for marriage and a life-long commitment?  Some might say they plan to make their choice the "normal" way, as most others do.   Let’s deconstruct the implications of the word "normal", and let me try to convince you that a normal method might not be the best method of selecting a mate.  The word "normal" sounds healthy and wholesome, with the reassurance that you have the company of many others.   However, the same could be said of divorce, because those who divorce have lots of company, too.  Seems reminiscent of the weary and sarcastic mother who responded to the whines of her pleading child "Yes, I know you say everybody is doing it, but if everyone jumped into the lake, would you want to do that too?"  So…as mother points out, what most others are doing, what is "normal", might not serve you best.

Many divorcing couples have explained the bases for their choices, and many of them discovered, too late, that their reasons for getting married, or the reasons they chose their mates, were poorly founded.
There is an ironic quip that marriage counselors have been known to say about divorcing individuals, "The reasons that some individuals are attracted to their partners initially, are the same reasons that they want to get away from them in the end". For example, one might say, "She was so level-headed and stable back then, when all of the others girls seemed so silly and only interested in fun"....Turns into, "She is just so serious all of the time and doesn't seem to get very excited about things in life...she is no fun".

It is normal to introduce our potential mates to our parents. We hear classic questions like, "Has he/she met your parents yet? " And, "Is he/she someone you would "take home to Mother"?" With these traditions in mind therefore, can we conclude that a normal way to choose a marital partner be similar to the method used by one's parents? Or can we conclude that the parents have the knowledge to assist you to make the big decision? Perhaps, and especially so, if your parents used sound and considered approaches, and if those approaches are sufficiently relevant to you, and are contemporary and functional in today's society. Unfortunately, many "dysfunctional" families exist and the dynamics of such families often do not demonstrate satisfying or adaptive patterns of marriage and family life...albeit ones that might offer the comfort of familiarity to those who witnessed and grew up in such environments. This all too familiar phenomenon (i.e., the dynamics of a dysfunctional family) seems borne out when young couples later become embroiled in nasty divorce conflicts and their parents engage in the action with bitter attitudes and clear evidence of poor communication and conflict-resolution skills. Yes, these parents mean well (in most cases), but as indicated, might not be the best role models for choosing a mate or for working out life challenges once married.

It is exciting to base our choices on attraction, love, and good feelings. This would seem normal too. We could get reassurance of this normal method from poetry and love songs from notable pop culture role models and even famous artists! Songs and poetry are so romantic and enhance the terrific feeling and excitement that comes with attraction and love feelings. They very often use verbs like "falling" in love, "you swept me off my feet", and "you make me feel". In these cases, we can negate any choice at all, because this wonderful phenomenon is just "happening to you". So there, it is normal to just fall in love and get married before you know what hit you! A famous movie line is "You had me at hello". In this case, virtually no time or consideration is needed at all.

These seem to be the "normal" methods of choosing lovers and marital partners...and such lack of consideration is likely correlated with so much marital dissatisfaction and the high divorce rate. A wealth of knowledge has been gained through the research and experience of those who have diligently studied love, romance, sex, dating, marriage, and family life. Read additional parts of this series for more specifics on how you might make choices that are right for you.

D. Jerome Meers, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychologist