Save the Date!: Select a Mate - Part One

It is relatively easy to get married. Some say it is too easy. Most agree it is a "big step" in life to make or accept a wedding proposal. After making the decision to take this big step, the couple (and often their friends, relatives, and confidants) are "off to the races", overwhelmed and preoccupied with the details of planning the big day. They wisely set a date that is months or even a year or more into the future so that every last detail can be addressed and arranged. To help insure that everyone can attend the big event, they often give lots of warning with a "Save The Date" notice that graciously precedes the formal wedding invitation. With all of these details, was anything missed?

The very high divorce rate suggests several concerns that might be mitigated by some thoughtful pre-marital consideration. Is it possible that these divorcees are choosing the wrong partners? Perhaps they do not know their partners well enough? Perhaps they do not understand themselves well enough? Perhaps these individuals understand how to live as "individuals", but do not understand the ramifications of being part of a "couple".

Our group at Meers, Inc. (Consulting Psychologists) offers and conducts consultation for couples who are considering marriage and a life-long commitment. Couples who take the time and expend the energy find the effort very worthwhile. With the wedding plans in place (but ideally before), these couples would be best advised in their efforts to "Save The Date" by reviewing and understanding the bases upon which they are making their lofty life-long commitments.

Hints at answers to these questions are revealed when relatively newly-married couples request professional consultation. They seek help often because they are struggling to understand their new roles within the marriage. They are troubled by their discovery that being married is different in unexpected ways than being single. Often the issues are resolved with some assistance with communication techniques and some mediated discussions about who does what, etc. This is the good news. It is revealing, however, when these same couples do not raise the larger issues and appear to have little awareness of the need to address "deeper concerns". The unfortunate news is that these discussions and communication interventions are often not sufficient to assist the parties to discover and reveal the deeper and more threatening concerns. Such concerns are viewed as difficult to raise until or unless some tangential conflict creates a forum for discussion, and often the parties do not know how to express their greatest concerns and fears about being married. The astute marriage counselor will recognize that the arguments about the most effective methodology of extracting toothpaste from the tube, is possibly a signal that other issues lurk beneath. It is so much easier and less threatening to discuss roles and functions and "how to squeeze the toothpaste tube" than it is to reveal that it is hard to accept the lost identity of "being single", or the fear that one will not be able to remain faithful or committed, or the shock that comes with learning the unexpected nuances of their "partner's limits". These issues usually seem too threatening to raise, and with distressing silence ... or with attempts at blatant denial... these issues lay waiting for the "trip wire" conflict that will later grant their emergence with unexpected and frightening force aimed directly at the partner!

Pre-marital counseling offers guidance for how to navigate these issues. The greatest mystery is not how to successfully choose a partner for marriage. The greatest mystery is not how to resolve conflicts and learn to enjoy each other with greater and greater success. The greatest mystery (it seems to me) is why enlightened individuals who profess to be ready to take the "Big Step" are so ill-prepared in the most critical areas. You are invited to read additional parts of "Save the Date!: Select a Mate" series for more specifics.

D. Jerome Meers, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychologist