Marriage Education
(How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk)

If the US Army is into marriage education it's time for the rest of us to be paying attention to it as well! Why is the army into it? The strains of overseas deployment on marriages and the inefficiency resulting from people upset by broken relationships forced the Army to look at the problem of failed marriages. The Army hired Ohio psychologist/marital educator, John Van Epp, to train 200 Army chaplains at 10 different bases to provide programs on how to "PICK a Partner". (This program was a variation of a civilian program he developed called "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk") The program encourages people to learn about a partner's family background, attitudes, compatibility, experiences in previous relationships, and skills they would bring to the marriage. It also teaches couples to pace themselves with the Relationship Attachment Model that says, don't let your sexual involvement exceed your level of commitment or knowledge about the other person. As a counselor with 30 years experience in mediation and couples counseling, I can tell you that many of the problems couples face could be avoided if they would follow the advice in that one profound statement.

"Marriage is the most risky undertaking, routinely taken on by the greatest number of people in our society." This statement was made by Howard Markman and Scott Stanley of the University of Denver. They have developed one of the most researched premarital education programs called PREP, the Preparation and Relationship Enhancement Program. Twenty years of research on PREP has indicated that premarital education can reduce the divorce rate. One controlled study in Europe indicated that the PREP program reduced the divorce rate over five years to one third of the divorce rate of people trained in the Catholic Pre-cana program. PREP programs last from eight to twelve hours. Couples are taught to handle conflict constructively and how to promote intimacy. The idea is to prevent the inevitable disagreements and problems of married life from spinning out of control. Research shows that couples that get premarital education adjust to marriage more easily. There is a great deal of pain when families go through a divorce. It's a pain that lasts for years and one that can be avoided with some training. We require people to go through training before we allow them to drive on our streets. However, we don't require people who are going to get married and may have the responsibility of children to go through any training before they get married. Another paradox: a couple will spend $20,000 and a whole year planning a wedding. The wedding lasts a few hours. Marriage is for life.

An overwhelming majority of Americans still aspire to be happily married. But marriage rates are declining and cohabitation has increased twelvefold since 1960. Cohabitation has become the dominant way male-female unions are formed. People who cohabit are less likely to get married and less likely to stay married if they do get married. Cohabitation is not good for marriage! (A possible exception to this statement is people who have formally committed but are living together prior to getting married.) The divorce rate averages about 50%. People with college degrees are more likely to stay married: their divorce rate is only 40%. Second marriages have a 60% divorce rate. If you've been divorced it seems particularly important to seek out premarital education or counseling.

There is increasing interest in marital education. Marriage counselors generally believe that couples often wait too long before seeking marriage counseling. Diane Sollee held the first Smart Marriage/Happy Family conference 10 years ago in 1996. The conference focuses on prevention and appeals to professionals from various fields who want to learn to promote healthy marriages. The Marriage Movement was officially launched at the Smart Marriage conference on June 29, 2000. The founders of the marriage movement pledged that, "in this decade we will turn the tide of marriage and reduce divorce and unmarried childbearing...". A wealth of information on marriage education and the marriage movement can be found at www.smartmarriage.com.

In February, 2006 Congress approved spending $100 million for the next five years on community marriage promotion. This money will be used in a variety of ways: public advertising campaigns on the value of marriage; education in high schools on the value of marriage; premarital education; and marriage enhancement for married couples. The Columbus Marriage Coalition has over $60,000 in grants that are being used to identify, link, and mobilize resources to promote healthy marriages in the Central Ohio area. The web site, www.Columbusmarriages.org, is being developed to provide people with healthy marriage information and resources. An important booklet, "Why Marriage Matters: 21 Conclusions From the Social Sciences" can be found on the web site.

The professional staff at Meers Inc. recommends premarital counseling or even pre-engagement counseling for couples that are contemplating marriage. Our staff has a great deal of experience with couples and marriage counseling. Smart couples view pre marriage counseling as insurance for the most important relationship decision of their lives.

Jeff D. Sherrill, Ph.D.

Consulting Psychologist