Marriage in the 21st Century

What has happened to the "sacrament of marriage"? Does anybody really mean it when they pledge, 'for better, for worse, until death do us part'? Marriage appears to be a negotiable commodity in our society today. It is not uncommon to read about a couple that is filing for divorce two or three months after their wedding. Some celebrities are marrying and divorcing within hours! Up to two-thirds of marriages today end in divorce. What is going on?

Preparing to be married is an awesome responsibility. New research has demonstrated that the average brain of young people under the age of 25 is not fully developed. This has implications for many life tasks-one of them being marriage. It is not unreasonable to assume that marriage between people under the age of 25 may be very risky. But, divorces seem to happen at all ages. In fact, a significant number of divorces take place after a couple has been married 15 years, followed by couples that have been together 30 years!! So young age is only one factor in the every-increasing rate of divorce.

There are theories speculating that due to increased life span, individuals are not meant to be with one partner for potentially 50 or more years. However, since so many divorces take place within the first year of marriage, increased life span is only one of several explanations for the high divorce rate.

In reality, previous generations have not necessarily been any better prepared to marry than this generation and there is no clear data to suggest that these marriages were any more healthy or satisfying. However, it is clear that many of these couples did not allow themselves the option of divorce! Much is known about what makes marriages function properly and what makes them dysfunction. Similarly, a great deal is known about what makes marriages satisfying or dissatisfying to the couple. Relying upon this data, and if necessary a professional to guide them, a couple can evaluate wisely whether they are likely to be a compatible couple. It is important that the couple address significant issues that will affect their marriage i.e., whether or not to have children, financial matters, sexual preferences, in-law involvement, career demands, the role of spirituality in their lives, and each partner's communication style. It true that there are many compromises in a healthy and satisfying marriage, however, there are issues that lend themselves to effective compromise and there are issues where compromise is not appropriate. If a couple identifies significant conflicts with such issues, it is would be wise for them to seek pre-marital counseling and consultation. Such conflicts do not resolve themselves after marriage, but these same conflicts are likely to lead to increased dissatisfaction and divorce if they are not effectively addressed and resolved to the satisfaction of both parties.

Laura R. Meers, Ph.D. and D. Jerome Meers, Ph.D.

Consulting Psychologists