Marital Communication and Conflict Resolution

Communication and conflict resolution skills are essential to healthy long lasting relationships. Here are a few tips for improving your skills.


1. Be aware of your feelings and know that you have the right to feel any feeling (boredom, hate, lust, awe). Good communication starts with understanding yourself.

2. It is not wise to act upon your feelings or even to talk about them with your spouse. It is okay to feel like hitting your spouse but it wouldn’t be a good idea to do it.

3. Timing is important to successful communication. It is best to talk about important issues when both people are rested, sober, and ready for a serious talk. It’s wise to avoid serious discussions when you are tired, or too angry.

4. Either person should have the right to end the discussion if it gets too angry or out of control. It should be rescheduled one to seven days later so that both people can think about how to communicate in ways that will help reach some type of agreement.

5. It is helpful to use "I messages" in conflict situations. "I feel angry when you are late getting home". Avoid "you messages" such as "You are always late". You have the right to feel any feeling but in conflict situations it’s best to avoid "you messages" which imply judgment.

6. It’s helpful to use "proposal" language. "I propose that we only eat out once a month in order to save money". Proposal language invites the other person to negotiate with you if they don’t agree with you idea. Proposal language helps couple avoid control
issues.

7. Remember that the way you say things—your voice tone and body language—communicate more than your words. Respectful tones are helpful.

8. In conflict resolution avoid threats of violence; threats to end the relationship; bringing up several issues at the same time; sarcasm; absolutes ("you never" or " you always"); name calling or labeling("you are a bully" or "that is childish"); dwelling on the past.


It takes practice to learn new skills. Don’t expect too much too fast. But, do practice! Relationships are important to life and to health. They are worth the work!

Jeff D. Sherrill, Ph.D.

Consulting Psychologist