Managing Marital And Relationship Conflict

Couples who request professional counseling often bring with them to the first session various myths about the nature of conflict and how it should be managed in a serious relationship or marriage. Couples often are surprised that their relationship is in serious trouble since they have had very few “fights” and few outward signs of serious relationship conflict. In the other extreme, some are surprised to learn that when they simply express how angry and frustrated they are at each other that those encounters often damage the relationship further. It is important to note that the frequency of conflicts within a relationship is not usually related to the quality or satisfaction … or the “health” of that relationship. As illustrated by the examples above, a relationship may suffer greatly with little or no outward expressions of conflict and a relationship may suffer greatly with intense and/or frequent expressions of conflict. The manner in which conflict is managed within a relationship is of critical importance.

Couples who report a high functioning relationship with a great deal of satisfaction have learned effective conflict resolution skills. They have learned to express themselves effectively and to communicate important messages to each other. They have learned to preserve, not injure, the feelings and sensibilities of each other. When addressing conflict in a significant relationship, it is important to express oneself in a manner, which remains always respectful to oneself, the other partner, and to the relationship. One of the important benefits of an intimate relationship is to extent to which we can trust each other to care and honor our feelings and sensibilities. This is part of what makes this relationship better and different from other relationships in our lives. In our intimate relationship we express ourselves effectively and accurately by “saying what we mean and by meaning what we say” to each other. This develops trust not only that we will be concerned about the feelings of our partner, but also that our partner will get the truth from us. In this manner we can learn to “give each other the benefit of the doubt” during times of conflict. Most couples express that they do not expect perfection from their partners, and they do not expect that they will never feel offended by something that their partner says or does. However, most couples also express that they would be greatly comforted by the notion that their partner is doing the best that they can (even in their error) and that they seek to respect their partner in their words and deeds.

Will there be conflict, misunderstandings, disagreements, and errors within a loving, intimate, and highly functioning relationship? Most certainly. However, when these conflicts are addressed with the respect and integrity suggested above, these conflicts do little or no damage to these relationships and often become opportunities for significant improvement within the relationships. Individuals who improve these skills over time and who maintain mutual respect always, often find that their important relationship is not immune to conflict, but that conflict is viewed as non-threatening and not much of an issue.

D. Jerome Meers, Ph.D.

Consulting Psychologist