Is Your Spouse Gay?

You married your best friend; and that was a good thing. You believed that becoming lovers would be easy since you were compatible in every way. As time moved forward, your friendship remained solid, but you never did become passionate lovers. In fact, lovemaking was very rare---and finally, not at all.

After several years (and possibly one or two children) of questioning your own sexuality and attractiveness, you finally confronted your husband. "Is there another woman?" you asked. "No", he responded. You were relieved and fearful to ask any more questions. You let more time pass with no lovemaking. Still the best of friends, good parents, roommates, you shared your lives together.

Finally, after much strain in the relationship, you had "the talk". He confided that he loved you dearly; after all you were his best friend. However, he finally was able to face the facts and admit to himself (and now you) that he is gay. He is not attracted to women sexually. He loves you and if he could feel any attraction to women, you would be the one he would choose.

You are stunned. You thought you were prepared to deal with the pain and agony of learning about another woman. But you are completely unprepared to hear about his interest in other men. How do you handle this? How do you forgive this betrayal? Should you tell him to get out? Should you stay together and go on as before; only this time knowing there will never be a physical relationship with your husband.

You are filled with sadness, anger, regret, shock, fear, more emotions than you can name. He is burdened with remorse and guilt. He says he wants to stay married. He swears he will try and be faithful. You are both in incredible pain, and filled with shame.

Is divorce the solution? Not necessarily. Should you save the marriage? Not necessarily. There is no right answer to these questions. Each individual must examine his or her own values, beliefs, goals, and definitions of personal happiness to make this decision. This self –examination is difficult to do without the help of a trained professional. This particular situation does not readily lend itself to seeking family support or confiding in friends. In fact, the couple may be so busy trying to protect each other and themselves from the embarrassment and shame that they neglect the main issues that must be faced.

The staff at Meers, Inc. is well trained in dealing with these issues and will help to provide the assistance to begin to resolve this complicated situation. The first step is to ask for help. There are answers---if you learn how to ask the right questions.

Laura R. Meers, Ph.D.

Consulting Psychologist