Is Your Daughter a “Mean Girl”?

There has been much talk(even a movie) generated over the last few years regarding groups of girls in middle and high school that victimize students who are not a part of their group. Usually these girls are lead by one girl who emerges as the “most” popular; she bestows her attention upon the others who meet her needs or further her agenda for attention and control. Many programs have been developed to help the victims of these “mean girls”. There are classes and workshops, seminars and school functions specifically designed to teach young girls (and their parents) how to identify these “mean girls” and defend themselves if they are targeted and victimized by them.

However, how do you cope as a parent if the “mean girl” is your own daughter? Did you contribute to making your child this way? When and how did it happen?

There are many stories about ambitious, social climbing parents who have dreams for their children that are more often their own fantasies rather than those of the child. The “stage” mother or father may create situations in which the child is coerced into doing things that please the parents, but do not necessarily meet the needs of the child. These girls often manage the hurt and pain they feel toward their parents by misdirecting their aggressive behavior toward their peers.

There are also girls who come from well-intentioned loving parents who fit the “mean girl” profile. What happens to these girls? In a meeting of the Society for Research in Child Development, Dr. James Ostrovath presented research that postulated that relational aggression behaviors that lead to problems for girls in their teens begin as early as age 3. He noted that aggressive behavior in girls from ages 3 to 5 tends to be more direct, but in early adolescence it starts to become more and more covert.

For example, your toddler may wish to play with her toys before she has finished her dinner. When you suggest that she must finish eating first, how does she react? Does she throw a temper tantrum, cry, scream, hold her breath, kick, bite….. Does she create a situation that is so negative that the entire family gives in to her to get her to be quiet? This child has now learned that if she bullies and tantrums, she will ultimately get her way. As this child approaches her teen years, her methods for achieving her goals may be less outwardly aggressive, but have much the same impact.

Most every child will flourish in a loving, safe environment that has clear limits, boundaries, and structure. This environment is not always easy to create. It requires parents to spend time and thoughtful attention to their children’s needs and behaviors. “Mean girls” are often raised in an atmosphere of material excesses and parental indulgence. When these girls are exposed to situations that are not in their control, they often react with the only tools they have acquired since childhood-anger and aggression. Good discipline, structure, and self-management strategies are extremely important in empowering a child and creating an environment of cooperation and respect.

“Mean girls” pick on others to achieve or maintain a sense of control and boost their own esteem. Happy, self-confident girls have learned to negotiate their differences, and to create good self-esteem by acting in a cooperative manner. Teaching your daughter these skills will help her to avoid being a target of a “mean girl” or becoming one herself.

Laura R. Meers, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychologist