Feeling Safe

Where do you feel safe? Is it in your home surrounded by all your familiar belongings? Is it with your family and old friends? Do you feel safe with your romantic partner? Or maybe you feel safe in a crowd surrounded by strangers. Every one of us has a place or people (sometimes both) that contribute to a sense of safety.

Why is feeling safe important? When we feel safe we are more likely to be ourselves. We suspend our defenses, allow our vulnerabilities to surface, and become the people we enjoy being and sharing with others. We are more likeable, approachable, and loveable.

What prevents us from feeling safe? Negative emotions, such as fear, anger, shame, or jealousy, etc. usually threaten our sense of safety. When conditions exist in which we experience these emotions, we are not able to put aside our defenses. We hold onto strategies designed to stop negative emotions from harming us.

Sometimes the strategies we use to protect ourselves are as harmful as the emotions and conditions we are trying to combat. We may develop strategies such as alcohol or drug use (or abuse), violent behavior, addictive behaviors involving sex or food. We may practice behaviors such as avoidance, paranoia, lying, or cheating. All of these are self-defeating and contribute to our loss of self-esteem. In fact, some of us learn to loathe ourselves for practicing the very behaviors we have designed to protect ourselves!

Feeling truly safe removes the necessity to create behaviors designed to protect us. We may choose to be vulnerable. We choose to be ourselves and feel good about who we are, because we are accepted for simply being us.

Where do you feel safe? Think about it. Identifying where or with whom you feel safe, and creating safe conditions for yourself will allow you to be the lovable approachable person you really are.

Laura R. Meers, Ph.D.

Consulting Psychologist