Hot Tips for The Best Sex - Best Sex Series, Article One

This is the first article of the Best Sex Series. These articles offer useful information concerning the psychological aspects of sexual functioning. It is anticipated that the individuals and couples who read and implement these ideas and strategies will benefit from enhanced sexual performance and increased sexual and psychological satisfaction. The information included in these articles is directed toward psychologically and physically healthy individuals who benefit from a stable relationship. The information here is not intended to replace needed psychological or medical treatment for sexual dysfunction or psychopathology.

If the "plumbing is in working order", then it’s almost all psychological. Clearly, there are physical and chemical barriers to enjoyable and effective sexual functioning. However, there are an even greater number of psychological and emotional factors which affect sexuality. Psychological issues which interfere include such factors as performance anxiety, fears, concerns regarding pregnancy, lack of confidence concerning one’s own body and appearance, relationship issues including trust, etc. These issues will be addressed in later articles in this series.

It is important to be aware of your mood and the mood of your partner and realize the impact of mood upon sexual performance and satisfaction. In today’s busy schedule, many couples report that they approach each other late at night and relegate their sexual contact to the period of their day when they are most tired, lacking in enthusiasm, and least amiable. Such late night times are when both are tired and often weary from the challenges of their daily obligations and stresses. Other couples report that they approach each other sexually early in the morning. Unfortunately, when couples awaken in the early morning and have not had sufficient time to become alert and emotionally interactive, the mood is not ideal for optimal sexual satisfaction. These times are, of course, acceptable times for sexual interaction, and indeed, are sometimes the only times when sex occurs in the lives of busy couples.

HOT TIP ONE: Plan for sex. It’s ok to plan for passion! Some people subscribe to the unfortunate idea that passion must always be spontaneous and can never be planned. Set aside time for good sexual functioning and make sure to set the mood first. If sexual interaction is to be more than a biological function, then it is important to take the time to set the mood. Wise sexual advisors have said, "It starts in the kitchen", because they know the importance of giving signals, flirting, giving each other time to take the hint, get in the mood. For example, a partner might give hints in the morning before leaving for work by saying, "I’m really looking forward to having some time with you tonight" … or …"We’ve been so busy with so many things, I hope we can set aside some time tonight to be close" … or … "You look so great to me, I’m so attracted to you, I really want to be with you", etc. etc. It can be more subtle, more direct, or whatever your style might be, but the signal should be sent. These messages might be sent as the couple parts for the day, or during a routine, or surprise telephone call during the day! This is in sharp contrast to the sudden non-verbal gesture or the too-direct surprise attack at 10:55 p.m. with the expectation of sexual contact at 11:00. These approaches, as well-meaning and as loving as they might be, are awkward at best, and often lead to great dissatisfaction and disappointment. What are the chances of both partners being in the mood, physically ready, or even agreeable to a great sexual experience under these conditions? Plan for sex. Manage your mood and be mindful of your partner’s mood. It makes for a much better experience!

Clearly, there is a long list of moods or "states of mind" that interfere with the optimal sexual experience. However, there is a shorter list, but there is a list none-the-less ,of moods that may set the stage for The Best Sex. Optimal and very satisfying sexual experiences may grow from any of the following moods. 1.) Tender, loving, romantic, quiet mood or 2.) Intimate, spiritual, "we are one in the universe" mood or, 3.) Hot, sweaty, active, animal-like mood or, 4.) Naughty, mysterious, what (safe) thing I am going to say or do next" mood , or 5.) Playful, childish, "tickling and rolling around on the bed" mood. A couple may experience The Best Sex from any of these moods and this list is just a partial list!

However, in today’s world … with the busy lives that we have chosen … how often will any of these moods occur without some effort or planning? How often will each individual arrive at the same mood at the same time without some effort at deliberate coordination? How likely is it that couples will "get stuck" into only one mood and have only one type of sexual experience? The Best Sex is available to couples who choose it.

D. Jerome Meers, Ph.D.

Consulting Psychologist