An Affair of the Heart.

One of the most difficult situations that married couples confront is the possibility that one of them is having an affair.  Most affairs involve a sexual relationship outside the marriage; however, just as difficult for some couples is dealing with one partner's emotional attachment to someone of the opposite sex.  A satisfying and functional bond between married couples includes an emotional intimacy and vulnerability that is exclusive to the two of them.  When another individual is included (or preferred) to share this unique and cherished connection, there is the potential for much emotional pain to be suffered by the ostracized partner. 

I have witnessed in couples' therapy, how one spouse will try to persuade his or her partner that the relationship with someone else was no threat since there was no sexual contact.  There seems to be a lack of awareness that the most precious connection between them (the emotional bond) has been shared with another.  Including an outsider in this sacred trust, has destroyed the bond between the couple and is every bit as damaging as sharing sexual intimacy with another person; in fact, this may be more damaging than a sexual relationship outside of the marriage. 

Couples need to examine what leads one or both of them to share this sacred bond with another person.  Do they lack a real emotional connection between them?  Do they feel unsafe with one another?  Do they feel misunderstood or unappreciated by their partner?  Unlike sexual involvement, people look outside of the marriage or partnership for emotional intimacy when they do not feel cherished within their relationship.

Engaging in a sexual relationship outside of marriage may involve thrill seeking or simple gratification of urges with another willing person.  Some people will claim that they love their partner and are perfectly happy in the relationship; they just enjoy sex with different people.  I have often heard, "it was just sex, (s)he meant nothing to me”.  Generally, the most difficult scenario is when the affair involves a real emotional connection as well as sexual intimacy.  It is very difficult to repair a marriage when the affair has progressed to this level. In the same vein, it may prove equally as difficult to help a couple when one of the partners has a strong emotional attachment to someone else. 

Couples need to examine their emotional connection.  They need to work to keep each other safe and create a loving, supportive environment in which both partners feel cherished by one another.  Couples who have successful emotional connections make time to share their feelings with one another.  They prioritize their relationship in their lives, and find ways to share their interests, goals, dreams, and inner most feelings, thoughts, and desires.  They tell each other frequently how they feel about one another.  They do nice things for and with each other.  They make each other feel special.  Indulging in a long-term emotional affair with your spouse is the key to maintaining a happy, healthy marriage.

Laura R. Meers, Ph.D.

Consulting Psychologist